Relationships
These familiar catchphrases still sting as an adult.
And over time, it can impact not only your relationship but how you feel about yourself.
While toxic relationship dynamics are draining, theyre especially biting when they stem from a family member.
In any case, itll help to reach out to a therapist, mentor, or friend for support.
To learn the signs, here are 25 things many toxic moms say, according to experts.
Things Toxic Moms Say
Why cant you just get over it?
Toxic moms rarely take responsibility for their actions.
This response is also incredibly invalidating and frustrating, especially when you want to have a mature conversation.
Youre just like your grandmother.
Has she denied that she called you a name?
Does she swear up and down that she never told you to drop out of school?
If so, the goal is to make you question your reality and shift blame, he says.
you should probably grow up.
This is all your fault!
If toxic moms love anything, its pointing fingers.
If things go wrong and your mom blames you, all signspoint to toxicity.
It isnt fair at all.
Okay, well I guess Im just a bad mom then.
Toxic parents tend to feel attacked quite easily, even when theyre being approached gently.
Hopefully she’ll realize that it’s inappropriate to put you in the middle of her problems.
Why didnt you do better?
Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader, notyour biggest critic.
If youre constantly wondering, Why is my mom never proud of me?
or Why does my mom want me to be someone Im not?
it may be time to step back and reevaluate your relationship, says Stanizai.
When a parent negatively reacts to big moments, it can really hurt.
Where were you last night?
(She might even spy on you on Find My iPhone and call to ask where you are.)
Why dont you ever hang out with me?
In fact, this even has a name:enmeshment.
It might be extra noticeable around big events, like holidays or birthdays.
Regardless of your closeness, you should be allowed to have your own social space and schedule.
If she can’t accept that, it may be something to unpack with a therapist.
So last night in bed…
Take note if your mom is a big fan of oversharing.
Putting that boundary in place should help mend your mother-daughter relationship.
Youre my best friend.
It can be exhausting, and its also not a role youre required to fill.
Itll be good for both of you!
Im sorry you feel that way.
Heres another dismissive, toxic remark.
This can be done as a way to quickly end conflict but doesnt demonstrate taking responsibility for their actions.
You should break up with them!
But beyond the occasional caring comment, she doesnt have a right todemand you break up with someone.
Some toxic moms also struggle with becoming second best after their child enters a relationship.
Youre so dumb sometimes.
It can also blur the line between annoying parent behavior and an actual problem.
If it feels like your mom is attacking you as a person, trust that your feelings are valid.
You arewaytoo sensitive.
Similarly, toxic moms love to tell their kids that theyre being too sensitive.
In fact, therapistDawn Friedman, MS.Edsays this can even be a sign ofgaslighting.
Well nobody else has a problem with it!
Why cant you just be more like your sister?
I gave you everything!
Why do you always make everything about you?
This comment is pure projection, says Pinsly, and its important to see it that way.
The same is true if she scoffs and then gives you the silent treatment.
How do you expect to find a husband?
A truly toxic mom wont stop at romantic relationships, either.
She might say something like, Wow, I hope you dont act/dress that way in public.
I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you repay me?
She also might wield it if shes trying to get her way.
How could you say no when she birthed, fed, and clothed you?
I dont know why I bother giving you advice.
You just do what you want anyway.
This one can come in many forms, she tells Bustle.
The goal, of course, with a comment like this is to give herself the moral high ground.
If any of these phrases sound familiar, take it as a sign that somethings off.
Studies referenced:
Fosco, GM.
2014.Interparental Boundary Problems, Parent-Adolescent Hostility, and Adolescent-Parent Hostility: A Family Process Model for Adolescent Aggression Problems.
2018.Effect of Caring for an Abusive Parent on Mental Health: The Mediating Role of Self-Esteem.
