28
I wasnt sure I was enjoying it.
I was being offered everything, recounts Fiona Shaw of her high-flying theatre career at the age of 28.
(Four years later, shed win the Best Actress Award.)
I was fulfilled in that regard, but I wasnt thinking outside the blinkered world of my profession.
Shaw is, of course, now known for her film and TV roles.
More recently, Shaw has been heralded for her portrayal of the commanding Carolyn Martens inBBC AmericasKilling Eve.
Amid experiencing major career highs at 28, Shaw was also dealing with residual feelings from a family tragedy.
Suddenly, you understand, were not going to be here forever.
You feel as though you must decide what you want.
You ask yourself, When am I going to have children?
and Why are all my love affairs catastrophic?
I found turning 30 very, very hard.
But at 28, Shaw was in a relationship with a man.
Being out wasnt a possibility that had dawned on her.
Although she eventually decided against having children, the topic was once something that plagued her thoughts.
Take me back to 1986, where was home for you?
I lived with a guy and a girl, and we were a great gang.
We had piles of parties.
It was very much an open house.
Youd go down to your bedroom, and thered be somebody in the bed.
YourKilling Evecounterpart Carolyn is incredibly self-assured.
Did you have a strong sense of self at 28?
I had a great sense of self.
I wasnt a wreck or anything like that.
I remember having very good values.
I had residual innocence from my upbringing in Ireland.
We were very much behind the trendy people of London.
When I went toRADA, aged 21, I was wearing tweed skirts, and they were all punks.
I hadnt had a huge amount of life experience, that was the difference.
You mentioned being offered everything in terms of acting work when you were 28.
Did that result in you having a sense of career fulfillment?
On the surface it was great.
There was also a weird mix-up where I was double-booked for the theatre and a TV show.
The theatre won, actually.
My fate might have been quite different if TV had won.
All of that took its toll on me.
I was thinking: Am I really doing what I really want?
It was really full-on, and I was lost.
I felt very unresolved.
You do better if you do the things youlikedoing.
But nothing in our culture tells us this.
My father said work hard, work hard.
And even if there isnt, theres always another life.
Did you consider yourself to be emotionally fulfilled?
But emotional fulfillment comes and goes.
I was emotionally fulfilled at 19, Im not sure that I was later [laughs].
Fulfillment implies arriving at an end, but that takes a long time.
What was your view on love and relationships?
I was panicking, thinking I must get married and have children.
That panic lingered well into my thirties.
I had a vague sense about sexuality.
I was worried if Icouldbe a parent.
I was discussing it with my boyfriend at the time.
Should we have a baby?
All that talk went on.
I never had the confidence to think, I could do that on my own.
And Im not sure that I could have morally, parents-wise or religiously.
Youre under a cloud of disapproval [with Catholicism].
Those things were much bigger in my mind then.
Youve previously spoken about experiencingself-hatred upon realising you were gay.
Was that something you were grappling with at 28?
I dont think it was self-hatred, actually.
Torment is inner, isnt it?
If your 28-year-old self were to meet you now, what would she think of you?
Shed be very surprised, I think, and pleased.
At 28, I probably had a feeling that Id go back to Ireland.
When I was 30, I was asked to move to Hollywood.
But I felt Id already made my jump at that point, having moved from Ireland to London.
I really didnt think I would go anywhere else.
In fact, now I partially live in New York, and thats hugely enjoyable.
My younger self would be surprised at that.
Did you have aspirations of being on TV?
It didnt have the artistry it has now.
In a way, television has become theatre; you get to know the characters.
You get a much bigger arc of the human potential, which is fundamentally what actors want to play.
You want to play the contradiction.
I was never aspiring to be inEastEnders.
I was right to stay in the theatre.
Did you have a mentor you could rely on for advice?
Yes,Jenny Mackintoshfrom the RSC.
Id often go and sit in her kitchen and cry, What shall I do about this?
You need mentors throughout your life.
Im very aware that Im available to advise people in my world, young directors and such.
In 1986, what social issues were you passionate about?
We [my acting peers and I] were trying to find the inversions of Shakespeare’s language.
Were there things we were missing because we were women?
There was lots of investigation and endless discussion.
We were aspiring and philosophical.
It wasnt a matter of careerism.
We felt very committed, politically, to what we were doing.
When I first went to the RSC, there were no women directors there.
We invited all the female directors in England to come and visit on a particular day.
We created a thing called The Womens Group.
There was a feeling that women couldnt direct.
Slowly, people began to realise that they could.
Its often been said that the theatre, in all its artistry and liberalism, misses the point sometimes.
It was missing the point then.
Shortly after the minors strike [84-86], all sorts of inequalities were being discussed.
Probably too much in the context of white Britain in relation to the world.
What was the soundtrack to your 28th year?
If you could go back in time and visit your 28-year-old self, what advice would you give her?
Id tell her to relax.
I said, Stop what?
And she replied, Everything.
This became a big joke among my friends.
I was hyper, really.
Definitely a workaholic but not in a horrible, evil way.
I was tormented, but also very excited by life.
It all lays out before you, you know.
Not without effort, of course, but I was panicking all the time.
Theres so much in the world to enjoy, so yo enjoy it.