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The Grammy winner reflects on the special golden years when her career was taking off.
(See the situation moodily dramatized by Gwyneth Paltrow,here.)
Their tumultuous relationship and eventual breakup 12 years later inspired songs like Im the Only One.
lang, Rosie ODonnell, and Ellen DeGeneres.
It was weird, she adds.
For a time there it was me, k.d.
lang, Rosie, Ellen.
A lot of power there.
A lot of interesting stories.
And yet, unlike many young rock stars before her, Etheridge kept her head.
I always felt like I wanted to be genuine in my music, to who I really was.
Thats why I came out, she says.
I didnt want to jointhe 27 club.
Its funny because everythingstartedfor me at 27.
Man, Im so glad I wasnt famous in my early 20s.
I think insecurity really rules us in our early 20s.
Were all looking for our own character.
Wed eat and smoke and drink and have fun.
And wed end up in the pool with or without clothes on.
It was so much fun.
I had an album out, and Ellen was comedian of the year or whatever.
Megan Mullally was doing little parts here and there beforeWill & Grace.
Once the mid-90s came, I didnt see half those people anymore.
But we were just like any 20-somethings.
We could eat and drink [and do] a lot more things than we can now.
I would love to someday focus in on that time and either do a book or TV show.
It was a unique time with people who really crossed all boundaries.
We were gay, straight.
We were everything, and it didnt matter.
Do you have private pictures and records from that time?
Not a whole lot.
We werent taking pictures.
We were just hanging out and having fun.
We didnt self-document and post ourselves back then.
We probably wouldnt have done half the things we did if we had!
Can you describe theDont Ask, Dont Tellera and being semi-closeted?
Was there a fear of being outed?
I was out to my family at 21.
To my friends, I was out.
There was no closeted-ness there.
I wasnt hiding anything.
But it was dont ask, dont tell in that no one asked me point blank.
If you came out, you had to explicitly say Im coming out.
This is me coming out.
Which you did at one of Bill Clintons inaugural balls.
I didnt know I was going to do that!
BeforeYes I Amcame out, I was like, Im going to come out.
People would change [the pronouns I used].
I would say, This is written about my lover.
But I never used gender.
And then I read an article where the guy changed everything to my boyfriend and he.
And I was like, Jesus.
People are going to think Im lying!
That really bugged me.
And Im like, I have to come out.
I just didnt know I was going to do it at the inaugural party.
But yes, thats what I did!
You write openly about what we would now call your toxic relationship patterns.
And yet, all that romantic turmoil produced some awesome songs.
You know, the way we twist our thinking.
I hadnt come out yet, so when I wrote, I dont care what they think.
I dont care what they say.
What do they know about this love anyway?
That didnt hurt your confidence or make you want to quit singing?
It was like, Oh, I must have a unique voice.
Tell your mother to save her money.
And again, I didnt take that as bad.
I took that as, Yeah, I dont want to sing like this.
I want to sing likeIsing.
You were already dreaming of rock stardom?
Growing up in the 60s and 70s wasnt like now, when everyone is kind of a celebrity.
It was just rock stars and movie stars.
That was something that only very unique people got to be.
And you start thinking, I dont know, could I do that?
You had the confidence to drop out of college and move to L.A. You bet on yourself.
I believe in really listening to how you feel and going by that.
I believe your inner being knows a lot, and you should go to what feels good.
I think people in their 20s should understand that happiness is the most important thing.
In 2000, you and Julie famously revealed on the cover ofRolling Stonethat your kids biological father isDavid Crosby.
The articles tagline The Making of a New American Family says it all.
You were pushing culture forward as this trailblazing gay icon.
And then when your personal life doesnt match up with this ideal, theres dissonance.
Can you talk about that pressure?
When we broke up, I felt like Id let the gay community down, you know?
But it was my happiness.
Nobody knows what was going on inside.
Everyones going to have their opinion, but I dont need to take it in.
Id like to ask you, respectfully, about the death of your son.
[Etheridge and Cyphers sonBeckettdied in May of 2020 of an opioid overdose.
He was 21.]
Is it painful to revisit that loss in the book and on Broadway?
I would not call it painful.
Pain would mean that I think hes in a bad place or I dont like where I am.
Telling myself that is strengthening.
I believe that my happiness is important.
That must be comforting to other families in this tragic situation.
Those of us whovelost someone to opioid addiction, usually there were a few years of pretty hard behavior.
[For] Beckett, it was three years of a slow descent.
You get them into rehab, and you hope it sticks.
And then it doesnt, and you dont know if you should take everything away.
Theres no right or wrong to it.
And you keep thinking, Maybe theres something I can do to change that.
That will torture you.
Youre always wondering, Is this going to be the call?
You always have that sort of dark shadow.
When they finally go, its like Well, theyre in a space now of no pain.
Carrying on with any sort of guilt and shame serves no one.
It certainly doesnt serve me.
No one is judging me.
Thats probably the biggest part.
Im not saying for the first few days that I didnt feel incredibly judged by the whole world.
Because thats unfortunately a reaction that people had: Well, look who their parents are.
Its not easy, but youve got to let it go.
In your book, you share emails from Julie after Beckett died.
[Then I got an email from Julie: Hes dead.
Then another email: And I blame you.]
Did you clear that with her to include those?
[Shakes her head no.]
That gets to the heart of your greatest fear, that everyone would blame you.
I want to hear why you shared that.
I shared it because it was so unkind, and it also showed her level of pain.
I havent talked to her since then.
I dont want that.
That was the last connection we had.
And I do not take it personally.
I do not take that on.
I do not wish to torture myself.
I love myself too much to do that.
And I want to be a good mother and a good person formy wifeand my other children.
I do not blame myself for my sons death.
My son would not want me to blame myself.
Theres no purpose in it.
Despite all youve been through, how do you remain kind and open-hearted?
Becauseof what Ive been through.
On a joyful note, youre a lifelong Kansas City Chiefs fan.
What do you make of all this hoopla aroundT.
Swift and Travis Kelce?
It was really like my worlds were colliding.
I was talking to my oldest, who is 26 a massive Taylor Swift fan.
I think its great for football.
I think its great for Taylor.
I think its great for everybody.
I think it will bring our nation together.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
This article was originally published onOct.
