Double Trouble
People are learning the hard way that its possible to have too much in common.
Unfortunately they mirrored each others quick tempers and stubbornness too, which led to days-long fights.
We also shared the same avoidant attachment issues and defense mechanisms, she says.
The breakup took months, and Joan hasnt been in another relationship in the three years since.
In fact, by some measures, weve never been more likely to date people unlike us.
Now, theyve been replaced by dating apps, which facilitate connections outside traditional social circles.
But the apps may have distorted our ideas about compatibility in other ways.
While the adage that opposites attract still carries weight, theresnever actually been much evidence to support it.
They think that someone like themselves is the best option for them.
Even so, the need for similarity has its limits.
Hes not sure thats a good thing, though.
Sometimes I worry our flaws are more similar than our virtues, he says.
Early on it felt really good to connect with someone so easily.
I found myself incredibly attracted to her.
It felt like she was the magical other, to steal a Jungian phrase.
Interestingly, selfishness is something we often quibble over.
When theres a problem, it often feels like one of us is being selfish or self-centered.
Were both incredibly protective of ourselves and our time/wishes/needs.
Frustrations are more salient when you see yourself in the very behaviors that frustrate you.
According to relationship experts, this dynamic can quickly become stifling.
Similarly, overlapping traits like perfectionism or risk aversion can limit growth or lead to stagnation in the relationship.
Amelia, 21, experienced this sense of stagnation in her relationship with her exact male counterpart.
To put it bluntly, she got bored.
We weren’t learning from each other.
Neither of us brought anything new to a conversation.
It was a tiny echo chamber.
I began to hate how negative and cutthroat we both were.
If both people are alpha personality types, this could lead to a lot of conflict and competition.
Ideally, people want somebody who is their complement, not their twin, says Davis.
Complement is often the key word.
Joan feels this way about her relationship with her co-worker.
But she knows, too, which parts to avoid.
I need someone more grounded and secure, she says.
It didn’t work having two of us needing that but not able to give it.
