I am filled with anxiety and dread.
I dont know if I love him.
I dont know if this relationship is really going to last, or if I want it to.
He thinks Im afraid of commitment.
Am I justafraid of commitment?
Or am I in thewrong relationship?
How are you ever supposed to know the difference?
And its doubly hard when commitment itself acts as a filter, distorting how you view the situation.
Are your expectations too high, or are you settling for something because its better than the alternative?
Is this just what life is like?
Is this what relationships are like?
Rest assured, if there were obvious answers to your questions, you would have already found them.
Lets start with the more urgent one, your current relationship.
Allrelationships are underwhelmingfrom time to time.
There are days and months when all of usget bored with our partners.
Thats totally fine, if frustrating.
You, however, didnt mention a single positive thing about your current partnership.
She makes me so happy.
I dont know what Id do without them.
He and I have so much history; I cant imagine my life without him in it.
The words you used about your relationship included anxiety, dread, doubts, and freaking out.
That is… not great.
Now, this letter is merely a snapshot of your life.
This isnt the day-in, day-out.
On top of that, as I said before, relationships are cyclical.
But I want you to hear something: Doubt is normal, questions are normal.
People doknowthat they are in love.
However, at no point did I wonder, Do I really love my boyfriend?
that strikes me as a red flag.
Thats not to suggesthesucks or thatyouare broken.
To me, its a sign that this is not a good fit.
Which is sad, sad, sad.
But staying together is not going to mitigate that sadness.
Now, lets get to the second part of your conundrum commitment phobia.
My concern is this: hey only push through the fear for things that are worth it.
(All of sudden Im never going to have my own room ever again?
What the hell kind of deal did I make?)
A sleepover every night with this person Imsointo?
Commitmentisfrightening we cant know the future, but were tasked with making choices about it regardless.
Its like picking whats behind doors No.
The stakes feel very high!
As soon as you choose something, youre stuck.
Theres one big question in front of you now.
What doyouwant your life to look like?
Does long-term love matter to you?
Is commitment something you actually desire?
The answers do not have to be yes.
Some people find they dont actually want the things were all taught to want.
Some people practice nonmonogamy for those reasons; some people dont have long-term or exclusive partners at any point.
But it will also beexciting.
There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to what you do next.
When are you happy?
When are you miserable?
What do you dread?
You dont need to stick with something simply to prove that you might.
Youre allowed to say, I tried this, and it isnt what I want.
And thats heartbreaking, but its also rather brave.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia at BustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
This article was originally published onDec.
