It’s A Pleasure
Keeping things to yourself doesnt mean youre ashamed of them.
Dear Sophia,
Im a 31-year-old romance author.
Im also dating through dating apps.
Were going on a second date, and I dont think I want to sleep with him.
But now that hes read four explicit sex scenes Ive written, he probably has different expectations.
Im tired of this extra level of dating anxiety.
Do I stop telling people my pseudonym?
Do I lie about the genre of my books?
Or am I over-worrying?
I always put writer, and the doctor alwaysasks, What do you write?
I used to say, Oh, Im a sex and relationships writer.
The knee-jerk answer here would be to tell you, Be proud of it!
You shouldnt be ashamed!
And you shouldnt be ashamed you have a cool career!
And, anyway, writing about sex is precisely 0% shameful.
But more importantly, sharing everything immediately is not a prerequisite of pride.
And that goes for all parts of yourself, not just your career.
Perhaps its a history with abuse or a mental health struggle or your wildest sexual fantasy.
Keeping those things to yourself, at least at first, doesnt mean youre ashamed of them.
You simply cant trust some people with your vulnerabilities.
If you have an STI and youre going to have sex, disclose that.
But short of need-to-know information, you do not need to spill anything up front.
So tell your dates about your work, but do it gradually.
As a general rule, if you feelexcitedto share more about yourself, then do it.
If he does want you to sleep with him before youre ready, thats totally manageable.
Dont blur your boundaries for other peoples expectations.
Possibly, but thats what dating is all about!
(OK, no, its not, but anxiety does tend to shadow budding romance.)
You dont owe all of yourself to every person upon meeting them.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Wednesday.
If you have a sex and/or relationships question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
This article was originally published onSep.
