They want to understand themselves, to know whats next.
In my more secure moments, when I dont quite empathize, I roll my eyes.
I really, truly, couldnt be bothered.
We had nothing in common.
Not so my then-boyfriend chipped in to say that I was organized and careful.
Its yourVirgo risingthat makes you organized!
But the truth is more complicated, and Im as guilty of craving confirmation bias as anyone.
I am skeptical of anyone whoclaims to be psychic, but sometimes it suits me.
Towards the start of our flirtation, my not-yet-boyfriend (also a Pisces!)
Growing up, I didnt have security.
Soon after, my mom met a man that I called Dad.
I had no reason to trust that anything, anybody, was permanent.
I tucked them into their pink bag and slipped them under my pillow, believing steadfastly in their power.
Next, she gave me a Spanish Indalo,a good-luck charm that she hoped would protect me.
When it told me what to do, I listened.
Hearing that God granted his followers all they could desire, I turned to religion.
When it happened, it was confirmation of his existence.
It soon became clear that I wasnt religious, but mentally ill.
I had no conviction behind my faith that I wouldnt pour into something else if it promised me more.
In my early teens, I got intoWiccaand astrology.
My New-Age inclined mother encouraged anything slightly wishy-washy that stopped me from asking questions.
She bought metarot cards, books on numerology, and crystals.
I built an altar and worshiped at it, learning all I could about Wicca.
I was just praying at the altar of a security that I wasnt responsible for.
I would believe in anything that offered guidance or knowledge or some deeper understanding of who I was.
These quirks in children are often dismissed.
Children believe, however strongly, in anything they want to.
Its endearing when youre young, before it causes you or those around you distress.
Walking home, every day, I avoided the cracks in the road.
I became obsessed with feng shui, with magic, with any cultures version of foresight and order.
All human beings seek order, guidance and knowledge, and that yearning manifests in different ways.
Maybe I still do.
My own relationship with spirituality and folklore is, at best, complicated.
As I attempted recovery, I had to let go of my own rituals.
With time, Ive learned to let my interests coexist with my slightly healthier mind.
Excerpted fromObsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinkingby Marianne Eloise.
Copyright 2022 by Marianne Eloise.
Reprinted by permission of Icon Books.
