Life

A tale of love, war, and perimenopause.

I knew I was spiraling but felt powerless to stop it.

What was I even doing here, anyway?

How had my life come tothis?

There had been no marital infractions at dinner.

The kids were mostly cute, the service just fine.

Was drinkingat my age for the record, 48 making me a little bit… nuts?

17 or 18 times, i.e., when I need patience most my bandwidth has fizzled to nil.

I have less to give.

Im quick to annoyance.

If Im not careful, I snap at the boys, veering intoMommy Dearestterritory before I know it.

When I asked around, friends were quick to concur.

I definitely get way more pissy now [when drinking], says Laura.

The anxiety and the rage!

The nights she has a cocktail, Im a happy, lovely joy to be around, she says.

(I can attest.)

Its the next morning: Short tempered, impatient, cranky.

Nothing is fun, and everyone is annoying.

My buddy Emma*s experience was most similar to my own.

But by her kids bedtime, I realized I was basically yelling at them all.

Now she struggles with some pretty shameful memories about the times this led to exploding at her son.

But this year, she didnt even celebrate the launch of her book with a glass of bubbly.

It just makes me feel bad almost like an indescribable bad, but women understand it, she says.

It doesnt even make me tipsy anymore.

It just makes me sluggish and very snippy with people.

It was Gwyneth Paltrow, of course, who made the emotional roller coaster of midlife drinkingPage Sixfodder.

The extra alcohol, she said, made her menopause symptoms spiral completely out of control.

I would just wake up, [and] I would get crushed with anxiety, she told Haver.

Gwyneth, I feel you.

Yet part of me wants to resist blaming this, too, on hormones.

So, fine, I can almost never remember what the hell I walked into our mudroom to fetch.

Couldnt it just be life in an age of multitasking?

So is my emotional response to booze a matter of aging in general?

Or is it specifically a woman thing, one more symptom to toss atop the burning pyre of perimenopause?

The short answer is probably c) all of the above.

Alcohol affects neurotransmitters, including mood-setting dopamine and serotonin, which is why its known as a depressant.

It dehydrates us and lowers electrolyte levels, which can cause the brain to function suboptimally.

The feeling, she says, is a lot like being hangry.

Menopause also changes the way we metabolize alcohol.

Some of these symptoms can, indeed, be worsened by drinking.

Most patients dont come to Christmas menopause clinic complaining about their changing relationship with Grey Goose.

They come in talking about weight gain, sleep disturbances, mood swings.

They havent put it together, Christmas says.

Yet for some reason, Im just not ready to break up with my occasional Negroni.

And, I know I sound a little doth-protest-too-much here, but drinking doesntalwayswreck my mood!

Youre all invited.)

I like that version of myself other people seem to, too!

and for better or worse, she sometimes needs a little chemical assistance to emerge.

Friends who feel similarly are coming up with rules to keep their drink and manage the aftermath.

Another friend set herself a rule: She can drink as much white wine as she likes.

As long as its before 7 p.m.

But for other women, the downside of drinking these days is just too steep.

Whoa, I said.

I appreciate your commitment to the theme, but even Bridget wouldnt go this hard at our age.

Theyre for you to keep, Emma informed me.

I cant drink anymore.

I accepted them, with a little trepidation.

*Pseudonyms have been given where requested.