It’s A Pleasure
Consider this a great opportunity.
Wevetalked about marriageand planning our future together, and I love him so much!
Something we have been struggling within our relationship, however, is sex.
I dont feel any drive to have sex, fantasize about sex, or even masturbate.
I just dont feel sexual or desirable anymore.
He asks me if I want him to initiate sex more, and I honestly dont know.
He reassures me that he still finds me incredibly sexy, and my brain tells me hes lying.
I never orgasm because Im just too in my head.
I feel like Im approaching rock bottom right now.
Everything else about our relationship is amazing, and we used to have really great sex!
Now I just feel broken and sad, and it makes me resent my body even more.
Im scared that Im in my 20s and that my sex life might be effectively over.
A:Im here to be the bearer of good news: Your sex life is not over.
The truth, however, is that it might not ever be the same as it was before.
All of those things happen toall of usover time.
Everyones sex life and desires and horn-dog levels (a technical term) change across our lives.
Especially in relation to and in conjunction with our mental health.
So, let me be super clear: I dont think youre up celibacy creek without a paddle.
I dont think youre f*cked.
(Not a pun.)
Its just frustrating and hard and bullsh*t that you even have to deal with it.
The first concrete thing that I want you to do is to give yourself a month off from sex.
Tell your lovely sweetie boyfriend, too.
But you actually have totalk about hard thingswith the person you plan to one day marry.
And one of those hard things is here!!!
Time to practice some of the whole living life together and having big, excruciating conversations.
Consider this a great opportunity.
Brains are really good at thinking about things were scared of or worried about.
Or This is not my problem right now.
Ill worry about this next month!
Give yourself a month of just living.
to make it not about your body.
Society has, unfortunately, made a lot of things about our bodies.
Its such a waste of time and energy and hotness and money and everything.
Its so unfortunate because bodies are, at the end of the day, electric meat sacks.
And yet we ascribe a whole lot of meaning to how they look and work and occasionally dont work.
Weight and mental health are often, unfortunately, intertwined.
I say unfortunately because weight is neutral.
There is nothing virtuous about any body bang out.
Of course, after years and years of messaging that says otherwise of course!
your brain is a little confused.
Bodies gain weight!)
but because weve been told that its bad.
This is an important distinction to make, I believe.
And then they feel extrafrustrated or guilty or ashamed for feeling bad about their body.
Its OK to not like the ways in which your body changes no matter what those changes are!
The question is what are you going to do with those feelings?
But like know that its OK to hate your body on occasion; obviously, its not ideal.
I wish we could all just be totally into the bodies we got.
But bodies are frustrating, and its OK to be really really pissed at them.
It doesnt have to be appearance-related either.
One year, I got a bunch of UTIs for no reason.
c’mon dont bully yourself for your feelings!
Mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders allarefamous for changing libido.
That might be a massage, that might be a bath, that might be hacky sack!
Down the road, that might be masturbating.
Its much harder to build your mental well-being and libido back up than it is to break it down.
just also know that your progress is not going to be linear.
There may be moments where you feel turned on followed by weeks of frustration when you feel nothing.
Keep putting in the work, keep moving forward.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
