It’s A Pleasure

Youre not evil for having needs in a relationship that your partner cannot meet.

(We were essentially living together during COVID lockdowns.)

We have fun together and I really enjoy spending time with him.

I don’t see a future with my long-term partner.

It really limits his ability to go out and do things with me and even his own friends.

Ive found this part of our relationship very challenging as Im a very outgoing and active person.

… On top of his illness, hes a homebody at heart.

I dont mind these activities, but this has become the main way we spend time together.

But nowI feel like something is missing.

It feels like we want two different relationships sometimes.

Im just feeling so lost, guilt-ridden, and confused right now.

A:Love isnt enough.

Its tempting to view it as everything.

No offense to Lennon-McCarthy, but its not all you need, in life nor in a relationship.

But its not simply enough.

Which is, of course, an excruciating and often unacceptable truth.What do you mean, its not enough?

I love this person.OK, but you cant live with them.

You cant be happy with them.

You cant be fully alive with them and only them as your partner.

That doesnt negate how you feel about them.

(Even though it feels like it does.)

It just means you need something else, too.

Not more, not better, just different.

Youre not evil for having needs in a relationship that your partner cannot meet.

Its devastating, its depressing, its gutting when that happens.

But its not your fault.

Love cant bridge those gaps; it cant make two people want the same things.

And you might find that this is the case with you and your partner.

Youll ask yourself that question.

And youll find the answer in the new, full life you build afterward.

Youll find it in the new people you meet and the new experiences you have.

In the meaning you create and make, and in the things you miss and adore about your ex.

You only get one.

Im not saying Im in favor of you leaving.

Im telling you, though promising you even that you will have laughter and love and joy again.

First, it will feel like you got your insides scooped out like a pumpkin, sure.

The desire for something new outweighs the desire to put in the work to make what you have better.

(Of course it doesnt seem appealing to put in work.

Its fake, but its appealing.)

Despite the amount of work seeming daunting, I still encourage you to face it.

When people say relationships take work, this is it, right here.

Its the showing up and not leaving until youve exhausted all the efforts you possibly could have made.

If I were you, Id talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, about your feelings.

Tell him how it makes you feel to not do things together.Ask for some things that you want!

It doesnt have to be exactly in his comfort zone or yours.

It can be a little stretch for both of you.

There are many couples who operate on very different social levels and schedules.

Sometimes its a bummer when your partner isnt up for movie night every night.

But again, youre absolutelyallowed to walk away.

You arent required to wait and see if this gets better or different.

You should walk away when you think you have nothing left to give to this relationship.

Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.

This article was originally published onSep.