It’s A Pleasure
Time does a lot of the work for you.
Q:I am desperately missing a narcissistic ex who wasemotionally abusiveto me.
I can’t seem to move on and I haven’t slept with another person since our split.
It’s been almost two years and I just really want to move on.
I think about him every day and even when I try not to I can’t help it.
Logically, I know that he was not worthy of me.
He did not respect me and treated me very badly.
So why am I still hooked on him?
I really want to move on.
Any advice you’re free to give would be helpful!
For starters, abusive people are adroit at keeping people in their orbit via intermittent reinforcement.
If youre not a bigB.F.
(Most gambling works the same way.)
It makes a person anxious and desperate to be good constantly, to behave and perform.
That is a very, very sick thing to convince another person.
And its, I think, a large part of the reason youre having a hard time moving on.
Your brain was trained to be a Pleasing This Guy Machine, and its very difficult to unlearn that.
Its not impossible people do it all the time.
Youve already done so muchof the work, too!
You are no longer in the relationship congratulations!
On top of being done with the relationship, youve given yourself the gift of time.
Time does a lot of the work for you.
I strongly encourage you to allow yourself some more grace.
When your brain thinks of him which it will!
Not super helpful, but I get why.
you could also borrow my mantra for intrusive or unwanted thoughts, which is, Thats not my business.
you’re able to also set a timer to worry about it later.
(This is not scientific at all, of course!)
You in your letter actually do it!
The steps are oversimplified like this: him, you, someone else.
The first person you have to move on from is the ex.
You have to start living your life without them.
You have to work to not associate every experience with their perception.
(As you know!)
The next and most important step of moving on is the part where you painstakingly rebuild your own life.
You find out what you like (movies about sharks).
You try new things.
Its not about romance at all.
Its about figuring out who the hell you are without this other persons influence.
You must do this step otherwise you will lose yourself.
This step takes longer than people would like it to.
Some days its lonely and rotten and some days its expansive and freeing.
But its the only way you have the capacity for the next step: a new healthy relationship.
Having sex with new people is totally fine and can come at any time!
I love casual sex!
like, focus on yourself!
I have to give my girl, the passing of time, her due: shes a fantastic healer.
And time alone may not be the answer here.
I think theres some grueling emotional work thats going to be necessary to fully move forward in your life.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
This article was originally published onJuly 28, 2022
