It’s A Pleasure
I feel painfully unwanted.
Q:How little sex is too little?
I’m just not sure how to fix it.
I know it’s a normal thing in long-term relationships; everyone wants “the spark” back.
But among my girlfriends in relationships, they’re all havingsexlike once a week at least.
And I’m so jealous!
I want to feel desired again, because I desire him!
How do I approach this conversation with him without being a pathetic beggar?
A:This is Im assuming from your letter theonlysexual relationshipin your life.
And its not satisfying!
And you think its small or pitiful to want it to be good?!
Im going to light a patio chair on fire!!!
You will lose momentum or have surgery or lose a parent or have body image issues.
There will be lulls.
Theres no hard rule about how much sex is too little.
What matters is that right now, youre not satisfied.
It isnt frivolous or wanton to require that your sex life be good.
Unfortunately, patterns tend to repeat themselves.
Which means, its worth putting your chest waders on and wading into the bog.
Of course, youre going to have totalk to himabout this.
And youre going to have to really lay your sh*t out.
It will feel like you have jumped into an ice-cold river with all your clothes on.
It will not be fun.
Why do you think weve had less sex recently and what can we do about it?
That gives your partner better insight into the stakes of the situation.
As an outsider with only a quick peek into your life, I would also strongly suggest couples therapy.
It can be helpful to have a professional as a guide.
Also, it occurs to me that your boyfriend might be dealing with depression.
Its very common for depression to majorly reduce a persons sex drive.
There is a chance that you two are just a couple where your libidos dont match up right now.
Focus on making it feel full and hot.
Explore sex-adjacent things youre both into, like showering together or sexting.
You both willhaveto make an effort here.
Withholding intimacy is not effective communication.
Thatdoesntmake this your fault.
Your sexuality is innate and untouchable; it exists independent of your partner.
I also very much recommend the booksLaid and Confusedby Maria Yagoda andMating in Captivityby Esther Perel.
This is common and addressable.
But its also thorny and painful.
It will probably stir up insecurities for you both.
On the other side, however, is knowing and loving each other better.
And possibly more sex!
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
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