It’s A Pleasure
Work on ways to make sex more fulfilling for you within their parameters.
Q:My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years.
Were both in our mid-50s, and we still have pretty strong sex drives.
However, she willonlyhave sex at a certain time, and thats right before bed.
(We did have afternoon sex a couple of times early in our relationship, and this happened.)
She is blessed with a beautiful body, but she thinks shes too old to arouse me visually.
A typical night together: I do my best to stay awake until she comes out from her bath.
She puts her pajamas on and scoots under the covers.
We lay there and usually one of us makes a move.
The sex is pretty good when it happens.
Ive talked to her about all of this, andshe wont bend.
A:Let me introduce you both to a very special thing called… the two-hour nap.
OK, Im being cheeky.
Your situation is frustrating.
And some version of thismismatch in sexy time timetablesis shared bythousandsof couples worldwide.
But theres also more to this than just timing.
It sounds like there are a couple of issues in your sex life that are all converging.
And some of them arent even sex problems but rather communication ones!
While I think you acquiesce to this parameter shes drawn (begrudgingly!
), it doesnt seem like you actually respect it.
You say according to her, and then say shes actually correct!
You have no evidence to the contrary!
OK, well, it still works!
The effect is the same: Your girlfriend is horny at night.
Ihearthat youre annoyed it is dripping off of every sentence.
And I dont think its unfair to be!
You seem to feel like shes doing these thingstoyou, which I dont believe.
In fact, I dont think you do either.
Im here to break the news that relationships don’t work like that.
Relationships are not transactional, nor are they fair.
Relationships should not be you versus me; they should be us versus the problem.
Andthatswhat I would come to her with when you talk next.
And I do think you two need to talk again.
The way I would approach this discussion is the more honest and the more vulnerable, the better.
What can we try?
But you two canwork on ways to make sex more fulfilling for you withinher parameters.
Maybe you two take baths together.
Maybe you have sex with the lights on and shes blindfolded.
Maybe you have middle-of-the-night sex where she can fall right back asleep.
(Theres no law saying both people have to orgasm during the same sex session.)
Theres room for change and possibly improvement.
(My whole job is predicated on the opposite!)
That is one of the Biggest Bummers of All Time.
Im sure all those people are lovely and that you would have fantastic sex with them.
But would you want to talk to them?
Would you want to go on vacation with them?
Would you want to put out a small kitchen fire with them?
This isnt to suggest that sex isnt important.
A lack ofsexual compatibilityisa reasonable dealbreaker.
Maybe a small change feels like a whole new sex life!
Youre allowed to go boldly after the sex life you want.
You both deserve good sex.
Unfortunately, good sex also takes a lot of work.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
This article was originally published onMay 5, 2022
