It’s A Pleasure
Commitment from someone you dont actually fit with will never make you feel full.
Q:Ive been with my boyfriend for seven years, and I love him.
Ive never felt like this with anyone else.
He makes me laugh, and I enjoy spending time with him.
In an ideal world, hed be the guy Id marry.
However, I find myself havingdoubts about our relationship.
I feel like were not compatible.
Im 29 and hes 30.
Hes also overall not very attentive toward my feelings, wants, and needs.
Ive invested so much into this relationship, and Im not ready to let it go.
I just feel like were very different people with different core values.
He wants freedom and adventure, and I want family and stability.
And we so often feel owed that outcome.
This relationship is not an investment.
You werent putting a down payment on a good life by spending your time on this guy.
That isnt evil or bad of you!
What youre doing right now is not preparation for the future, when you finally start living.
This is your life.
And you dont seem very happy with your partner.
You two do seem to have, if not different values, different priorities right now.
That isnt bad, that isnt good; it just is.
It certainly seems like your communication is severelylacking.
If you do decide to stay in this relationship, you absolutely must change that.
I strongly recommend couples therapy.
Is he missing excitement?
And then, theres the stuff youneed to discuss with him!
You are assuming a whole heaping boatload about this man that youve been with for seven years.
Part of these hypotheses are that drugs and alcohol make people cheat.
I want to be unequivocal on this point: Drugs and alcohol do not lead to cheating.
I have had a lot of drinks in my life, and Ive never cheated.
Millions of people across history have cheated while sober.
c’mon, do yourself the favor of unlinking the two.
The only thing that makes people cheat is this: They want to cheat.
What makes you feel insecure?
What could your partner be doing to reassure you or show he cares more?
What do you feel youre lacking?
If you honestly think he wants to be unfaithful, you shouldnt be with him.
There is no such thing as accidental infidelity.
Unless your boyfriend is going to masquerade balls with your identical but evil twin, that isnt a thing.
Im suggesting that if your partner wants to cheat, they will, and thats the problem.
Not the option, the desire.
And I think you do.
This relationship has given you a lot it wouldnt have lasted for seven years if it didnt.
You two both loved one another, and that isnt erased by this ending.
None of these seven years was or is a waste.
You cant waste your life; its impossible.
But you’re able to make choices that will lead you to new, happier, fuller directions.
And I hope you do that.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
This article was originally published onSep.
