Relationships
You are giving up everything for a man who wont risk anything for you.
Q:I have been involved with a married man for almost seven years.
He was an old college boyfriend, and things ended amicably Im friends with all my old boyfriends.
I had a couple hours before picking my child up from school, and invited him for lunch.
We didnt end up meeting that day, but started texting.
We texted for four months before finding the time to meet.
When we did, things changed quickly.
I was always a firm believer in closing one door before opening another.
However, he hasnt left his wife.
He says they are his heart and soul and it would kill him to destroy their opinion of him.
It would also destroy him financially.
He insists there is a someday for us he says three years minimum.
I love him, but waiting is killing me.
Do you trust that?
Would you have your heart broken every weekend, holiday, event, vacation?
Which Idosay constantly but cannot stick to?
Its been a happy/lonely six and a half years.
I dont want to waste any more time if he isnt serious.
A:The man IS serious ABOUT HIS WIFE.
Hes very, very, very seriously in a relationship with his wife.
I do not care one bit what he has told you.
I would also love to move to Rome.
Its not going to happen!
People do not, as a general rule, like to upend their lives.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts them and it often hurts the people they love.
Its why we hate breakups and firings and death and endings of all kinds.
The prospect of your children hating you and losing all your money is grave indeed.
On top of that, he has absolutely no NO reason to end his marriage and be with you.
Hes getting everything he wants from you anyway.
He doesnt have to be a sparkling conversationalist at your work holiday party or navigate your dads poor boundaries.
He doesnt have a single reason to end things with his wife to be with you.
Hes already with you.
You might be thinking, Oh, Sophia, but he does have a reason!
He does not care about your feelings any more than he cares about his wifes feelings.
Im going to give you some real tough love.
(Just the two of you.)
I suppose I could understand that a person might be reluctant to divorce when they had young children.
But his youngest child is20!Twenty years old.
Old enough to get married and divorced themself!
In short, I think this man is both cruel to the people around him and ultimately a weenie.
But ultimately that doesnt matter to me.
Lets get to you.
I dont think youre naive or stupid.
I am not here to be a moral compass for you or anyone else.
All of us do bad things, all of us harm other people.
But I think its seriously worth being honest about your role here.
You are participating in an affair just as much as he is.
You are part of the harm to this family.
But the truth remains the truth.
Youre doing something thats not great.
To me, that doesnt absolve you.
There is already a person out there who believes their love with him is enough.
That person is going to freaking Aruba.
Do I think youre rotten and deserve to suffer for all of eternity?
No, no, no!
I dont think youre evil for falling for someone who is married to someone else.
I absolutely believe youre allowed to wallow in the sadness, injustice, and grief of this situation.
The situation is not fair or kind or loving to either of you!
Instead of treating one person with love, hes treating two people with the false approximation of it.
He should not have gotten involved with you seven years ago.
He didnt because hes a coward.
But you are in this, too.
Or it would, like, save someones life or get me a $7,000 Target gift card.
Instead, you sound miserable.
This relationship sounds awful.
Its not the relationship of anyones dreams, least of all yours.
How would you feel if your own child got into a relationship like this?
I know I would.
I would be irate if my child behaved like this.
You are giving up everything for a man who wont risk anything for you.
Hes a cheater and a coward and he is only realizing that his manipulation game with you was up.
He has had the option to leave for years and yet he hasnt.
You have bountiful evidence that he is not a good partner.
You deserve a good partner.
Dare to imagine the life you want.
Start building a world in which there is only space for people who love youwell.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
This article was originally published onOct.
