Sex & Relationships
A supportive friend can help restore their power.
You dont always like your friends partners.
(you could take aquiz on being an ally for someoneto really check.)
Jumping in unprompted with a This dude sucks can put them on the defensive.
Support them when theyre ready to take action, but dont push them, Peck tells Bustle.
When reaching out about a shaky encounter, be supportive, but share your side of the story.
Ask them about what you saw, Peck says.
Say, Your partner said you [did this], but I didnt see it that way.
When you talk to your friend, start with curiosity, Lee says.
Phrases like I saw this happened; did it seem like that to you?
If they are being gaslighted, their abusive partner is dismissing or challenging their thoughts.
you’re able to be a part of undoing that by welcoming and believing their thoughts and opinions.
Use phrases like, I really care about you, or Im concerned about what I am seeing.
A supportive friend can help restore your power and agency, Lee says.
Thank your friend for sharing what is going on with them.
Thank them for being open about their situation, Lee says.
What someone thinks is abuse in their life can be very subjective, she says.
Often the justification is that the abuse hasnt turned physical.
Because relationships are so subjective, not everyone understands behaviors like gaslighting or guilt-tripping in the same way.
Further, Peck says that emotionally volatile relationships often arent abusive or uncomfortable all the time.
Abuse often happens in cycles, Peck says.
The honeymoon period that follows can feel redeeming enough that the abuse feels more tolerable or not worth addressing.
Its important to remember thatnoneof this is your friends fault.
An abusive relationship can happen toanyone.
A period of love bombing or intensely sweet and romantic behavior often comes before any negative behaviors start.
The beginning of their relationship might be very different from what they are experiencing now, Lee says.
The change isnt their fault either.
Victim-blaming shuts them off from you, and isolating them is something their abusive partner is likely already doing.
At the end of the day, you cant control their behavior.
All you’re free to do is be there when they need you.
Its not for you to decide when the help comes, Peck says.
you better decide to be ready whenever they ask for it.
Sources:
Amelia Peck, a licensed marriage and family therapist
Angela Lee, the director oflove is respect
