The thought of being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship fills me with mild dread.
I just dont see myself being exclusive.
How can I soothe my anxiety around messing this up and hurting my friend?
Cautiously Non-Monogamous
Dear Cautiously Non-Monogamous,
I love getting a letter that is just full of good news!
Can you believe we get to fall in love with other people?
Now, onto non-monogamy.
I think your plan sounds fantastic!
Frankly, I think thats utter bullsh*t. Why are people worried about your spreadability?
You are not a jam or a schmear!Of courseyou can form meaningful connections with multiple people.
Were unfortunately conditioned to be very uptight about romantic love.
(Thats right, everyone is single in heaven!)
I do not personally know anyone whose love life fits that description.
And, anyway, we dont think of any other forms of love this way.
Your instinct here is phenomenal!
Ask for what you need and give what you might.
But you could always change your mind.
You are not choosing today how you will date for the rest of your life.
That is for you and future partners to negotiate together.
All youre choosing right now is how to navigate this one specific relationship with this one specific person.
So, how should you bring this up to your friend?
Non-monogamy requires you to beextragood at communicating with clarity and honesty.
Thats a base level requirement for relationships in general and especially for relationships that are not exclusive.
Just say to your friend pretty much what you said in your letter.
I cant tell you how excited I am by the fact that were making out!
Even if this specific person isnt into the idea of non-monogamy,many, manyhotties out there are.
And they would be solucky to have a partner like you.
As for how to soothe your anxiety about hurting a friend?
Im so sorry to say this, but you will hurt people while dating.
Even if you do everything right, even if you dont intend to.
Sometimes, two peoples needs dont align at the same moment, even if theyre attracted to one another.
(Its bullsh*t, someone should fix this bug!)
Your job in dating people isnotto feel the least pain possible.
Your job is to give love and kindness and receive it in return.
Your job is being faithful to boundaries that work for you.
Your job is being vulnerable and honest and asking for what you want.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex and/or relationships question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
