Turned On
I let him see me, in more ways than one.
Ive always loved sex.
That is, I did until about a year ago when my body started changing.
It was a good change great, even brought on by a combination of Lexapro and lessened anxiety.
My quality of life increased by unmeasurable bounds.
But it also means that Im getting reacquainted with my physical self.
What was once a tool for pleasure became a source of insecurity.
This was new for me.
So I turned off the lights.
I kept my eyes shut.
And I used the covers as camouflage.
As my confidence wavered, so did my enjoyment.
How can I get back to that?
I asked my therapist.
Her answer was plain and simple: Stop hiding.
Heres what I learned when I left the dark.
What can I say?
Im a horny gal seeking orgasms, not boyfriends.
I could no longer rely on mood lighting or blackout curtains to mask my insecurities.
Lets leave them on, I tried to say as sexily as possible.
I want to see every inch of you.
Strapped into my Skims bodysuit with my makeup still matte, I felt sexy and put-together.
Would he notice how the shapewear had been sucking me in?
Would he pick up on the stretch marks that painted my inner thighs?
With a big gulp, I climbed onto the bed.
To stay present, try holding eye contact.
Remember, hes not fixated on your appearance.
Hes just obsessed with being inside your vagina.
(I came up with that last part, not my therapist.)
Thankfully, I was able to lock into the moment and let the spiraling thoughts fade away.
I asked, genuinely confused.
Oh, sorry, he mumbled.
That was my sweat.
Sometimes, its not that deep.
Physically, well, heres hoping.
Theres going to be sweat and double chins and queefs galore.
Trying to look perfect is a waste of time.
And, TBH, not looking great is probably proof youre getting railedrealgood, right?
Because we have that so down pat, I was a bit nervous to switch things up.
But after I shared that I wanted to bring our shenanigans into the light, he waspsyched.
It lit a fire under him and that man got to work.
If it wasnt already clear, that isnota part of our normal routine.
But to my surprise, I was so turned on.
We hooked up on his couch in broad daylight.
One thing was clear: My new mission turned formulaic fornication into scandalous sexscapades.
His answer didnt disappoint when I asked the inevitable: Do you want to go home with me?
After awkwardly chugging water and taking turns going pee, we moved toward my bedroom.
Ive been insecure with my body lately, and its a method Im trying out to change that.
Thats cool, he replied.
Id love to f*ck you with the lights on.
I think youre beautiful.
It ended up being one of the most romantic, intimate bangs of my life.
(Yes, I did pass gas while we were spooning.
No, Im not ready to talk about it.)
And it wasnt just because the lights were on.
It was because I let him see me, in more ways than one.
The month may have ended, but Im not ready to turn the lights off just yet.
