Relationships
Worst of all, he just started dating someone else.
An extra layer is that weve slept together countless times, both in the early days and more recently.
Whilst theres things about him I cant stand, I want him more than anything or anyone.
But heres the catch: He doesnt seem to feel the same way.
Is there any way I can get over him but maintain the friendship?
I cant even begin to imagine life without my very best friend.
(In other words, non-sexual.)
What do you like about this guy that isnt flirty?
What do you like to do together that doesnt lead to naked fun times?
What intimacy do you two share asbest friendsthat isnt about attraction?
Really, really ask yourself these questions and be honest with yourself, even if its hard or harsh.
Its OK if you come back with, Turns out, a lot of our friendship was just flirting.
That doesnt mean you arent really friends actually, I think a whole lot of friendshipincludesshades of romance.
And its going to be difficult!
Your job right now is rebuilding a friendship on other stuff.
So, all of you are going to have to put in begrudging effort with one another.
Istronglysuggestthat you give yourself a little break.
Let yourself be mad, sad, bitter, and absolutely heartbrokenthat you two arent together.
Journal your ass off.
Write about how hes a bozo and how youll never get over this.
Be your most dramatic self.
I mean seriously, write down themost hyperbolic take on this you could imagine.
Pets are a commitment).
Be indulgent in your sadness for a day or two or three.
Once you get past the full-tilt grief part of this, ask yourself some questions and make some plans.
How are you going to channel sexy feelings into something that isnt about him?
How are you going to cope when you dont feel like putting on a happy face around him?
Figure out a kind and acceptable I need to get out of here excuse?
What parts of this are going to feel hard?
What are the new boundaries you need?
The sadness wont be done or gone.
It will come back and it will still suck.
And youre allowed to feel it whenever it arrives.
But yourealsoallowed to say, Ill catch up with you later, Heartbreak.
At first, you will think this new version of friendship doesnt hold a candle to what you were.
You might rather have nothing than this false approximation of what you once had.
I urge you to pour all the love you have for him into the friendship in new ways.
Not because you two arent best friends.
Not because you arent enough for him as a friend or as a person.
Not because you messed it up or made things weird.
You cant make him put in effort.
You cant make him prioritize friendship in ways that work perfectly for you and his current partner.
Because thats pretty much how it always goes.
But then, eventually, it could get better.
Keep building your life and your friendships and attractions with other people.
Not as a backup, not as a form of pettiness, not as a last resort.
But because you get to have a full life, too.
I promise you this is not the only nor last person youll love.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
This article was originally published onNovember 10, 2022
