It’s A Pleasure
Dont be afraid to quit things.
Q:I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years now and it’s been wonderful.
I love him so much, we connect, we laugh: We’re best friends.
But living without him almost seems harder.
Is it worth it to stay if we are in love?
A:Here is one of the worst truths out there:Love isnt enough.
It is, of course, pretty much the zenith of human experience.
But it’s not enough to get two people to the finish line.
Love cannot triumph over everything.
It happens when one partner doesnt want to live in Phoenix and love isnt enough.
It happens when one of you cant stop gambling and love isnt enough.
It happens when someone cant keep a job and love isnt enough.
It happens when one partner doesnt want monogamy anymore and love isnt enough.
Sometimes the realities of being with someone override the amount of love and affection you feel for one another.
It doesnt make anyone unlovable or bad.
Wanting to is a great reason to break up with someone.
There is no prize at the end of your life for having stuck it out with one person.
And what reward would be good enough for that exchange?
Love and happiness arenotthe same things.
But love does not create happiness.
It never has and it never will.
You do not owe someone love at the expense of your happiness.
That is not mean or bad or wrong.
You arent the bad guy.
No one is the bad guy.
The universe is the bad guy.
Sophia, does this mean you think I shouldbreak up with him?
you may be asking.
I dont think youre in some very clear emergency where you should probably run and get out.
I dont think you have to make a decision now, either.
Youre allowed to swish an idea around your mind for a while.
Its not wrong to be thinking about breaking up with someone and then not end up doing it.
but that doesnt mean that you owe it to him to date him.
Its not your fault, its not his fault; it just is.
In fact, I think you should!
Maybe you have a future planning meeting once a month?
Maybe you make certain future plans without him and he agrees to be OK with not being involved?
Its up to you.
Part of him dating you means stretching for you just like youre stretching for him.
(Im sure he is!
But both of you should keep working on this.)
But I also am a firm believer that if you get out of the tunnel, theres light everywhere.
Dont be afraid to quit things.
Dont be afraid towalk away from something that doesnt workin your one wild and precious life.
Theres certainly glory in trying hard and giving something your all which it sounds like youre doing.
You will feel very, very guilty and sad.
Your brain will tell you that you could have done more or loved harder or tried something else.
You may let yourself feel those feelings, but just do not believe everything your brain tells you.
You have loved someone; you have loved someone very hard and well.
You have shown up, you were there, you have poured love out.
Someone loved you well, you loved them well.
That is a successful relationship, even if it ends.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
