It’s A Pleasure
The key to expectations is communicating them to your partner.
Q:Imet this guy on Tinder, and we went on two dates.
I instantly fell for him!
He lives overseas so we didnt get much time with each other.
Weve been dating now for five months.
I feel like Im being cheated because Im not seeing him as regularly as he promised.
I dont want to seem unreasonable, but I told him initially that I wanted a companion.
In the five months since weve been dating, Ive seen him twice.
I really like this guy.
We do speak daily and he video calls me in the evenings, but I still want more.
Do you think Im being needy?
In fact, Im not convinced theres an actual, official line between being needy and having needs.
And if there is, who is the arbiter of where the line is?
We all have things we need help with!
Its part of the deal of being a human!
What youre also wondering, which people ask me a lot, is Am I being reasonable?
And so rarely is my answer No, youre being completely unreasonable!
Why would you think you could or should ask for this?
Its that, again, its rational to have needs and boundaries and standards in relationships with other people.
That in and of itself issensible.
And none of those things is prescribed.
What works for me doesnt work for you.
Some people were firm that it was absolutely wrong and that theyd be heartbroken.
Other people were like, I dont think Id care at all.
Others nitpicked the circumstances.
And the truth was that everyone was reasonable.
(My boyfriend puts bread in the refrigerator, for hells sake!)
And thats not happening, so now its time to talk again.
Use that conversation to talk about the expectations beyond visiting schedules.
Discuss where you see this going, because frankly,long-distance without an agreed-upon end datedoesnt really work.
Mention what you want and why.Explain how youre feeling and be open!
If you cant be excruciatingly vulnerable with the person youre with, thats a bad sign.
Ask for things and listen to your partner.
Whats the reason that they give for not having upheld their promise?
Is it because they have doubts?
Whats the actual reason?
Now, how often is reasonable for you to ask for you two to see each other in person?
I have no clue!
I dont know what overseas means.
Maybe one of you lives in Mexico and one in Germany.
Thats a lot different than, say, New Zealand to Australia, which is also technically overseas.
But I dont know anyof the details that matter.
And if its just some of it, whats a fair amount that weagree on?
People have done it!
People will continue to do it!
Difficult doesnt mean impossible!
But it requires extracommunication skills, extra honesty, extra vulnerability, and extra trust.
I mean trust that youre both working toward the same thing.
Trust that the twin heartaches of loneliness and longing are worth it.
You dont have physical intimacy or fun times or day-to-day moments to fall back on.
Theres no easy mode.
Its hard mode all the time.
Even the times when you get to be together in person can easily turn into high-octane, adrenaline-fueled spurts.
Theres pressure to have fun and feel love on demand.
Its painstaking to build a real relationship within those parameters.
(Emphasis, perhaps perversely, on the pain part.)
A lot of work.
The opportunity is arising right now to do some of that work.
Dont shy away that way lies assured destruction.
Step up to the plate if this relationship feels worth it.
give it another spin.
Cry to your best friend.
Eat a really good doughnut.
loop back and try.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
