Me and My Meds
A new mom struggles with postpartum anxiety but resists taking medication for it.
I had a baby in March 2021, and the first month or two, I was bouncing around.
I was very active; I was very happy.
I was doing everything.
I went to a protest I was on the news at six weeks postpartum.
But by three months postpartum, I had changed.
I was crying loads and my level of functioning decreased.
I thought Id made a terrible mistake, that I was terrible at being a mother.
I also started to get intrusive thoughts like, What if I hurt my baby?
Just incredibly distressing stuff.
So I hit up my GP and a public health nurse and admitted, I’m scared.
I don’t know what’s going on.
I’ve never been like this before.
They referred me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed postpartum anxiety immediately.
The psychiatrist asked, How would you feel about taking medication?
And my first response was an immediate no.
I asked, Can I not do yoga and meditate and talk to a counselor?
She said, Yeah, absolutely.
Those are all other valuable things to do.
In some ways, it was a relief to be told, Here’s a diagnosis.
You have this common postpartum condition.
And for a while that gave me a little bit of stability.
But I just got worse.
Over the next three months, I steadily declined to the point of near panic attacks.
I would be gasping for breath trying to talk to my husband.
I was vibrating with anxiety.
And my day-to-day functioning was very poor.
I wouldnt eat lunch, I wouldnt shower.
Emptying the dishwasher would be a struggle.
Even still, I wouldnt go on medication.
I would never have suspected I held any personal stigma against medication for mental health issues.
I have two family members who work in mental health.
I read reports of people with anxiety and depression all the time in my job as a lawyer.
I guess I just thought, Some people have mental health trouble.
I feel sorry for them.
But then it happened to me.
I felt like a failure.
And I thought that if I took medication, then I’d be really ill.
But I was already mental ill.
I was mentally ill regardless of how I responded to it or how I treated it.
My mind was racing.
I had this fear I might be losing my mind, like I might be becoming insane.
As soon as I took the pillsit was sertraline that I was onit’s like a veil was lifted.
I even worried I was feeling too happy.
Like, Am I overdosing?
Am I taking too high a dose?
I rang my sister who said, Have you met normal Shauna?
Normal Shauna is doing a million things!
I had these getting-back-to-myself moments.
I hosted a Halloween party for 20 people three weeks after the meds kicked in.
It was so elaborate.
I was back on form.
And just a few weeks prior, I couldn’t do anything and everything was a disaster.
It was like night and day.
How do you have fancy dress and makeup on?
I haven’t showered in three days.
I responded, Oh, I’m on antidepressants!
I have medical help!
And now she is on antidepressants.
So now I give a shot to do the same.
