Relationships
As Katy Perry put it, you’re hot then you’re cold.
Girlie hit the nail on the head with that one.
Maybe your partnerships tend to have a will-they-wont-they quality to them.
And, usually, theres a lot going on beneath the surface that your partner might not even see.
To sum it up, Lozano says disorganized attachment often boils down to this: I want you close.
Now youre too close.
You may crave intimacy deep down, but something tells you its safer if you push it away.
The first and most important step?
Understand where in your personal history your disorganized attachment took root.
Where did my disorganized attachment come from?
Disorganized attachments can be created by a parent who is sometimes reliable and sometimes not.
Enter: the chaotic inner monologue of the disorganized attachment style.
But your current attachment style is also influenced by previous partners and romantic experiences, Lozano says.
How much is this baggage bleeding into your partnership?
Your attachment style is likely informed by past traumabig or small.
Relational traumas that are physical, sexual, or emotional change the way people trust.
Attachment and trust, she says, often go hand-in-hand.
Trauma can create a rupture in a secure attachment, Lozano adds.
Not every person that has a disorganized attachment must have a trauma history.
But someone having a trauma history would greatly impact their attachment style.
Having awareness of your own trauma history is a critical step in working to overcome a disorganized attachment style.
Disorganized attachment can take a toll on your partner(s).
Ultimately, disorganized attachment can lead to confusion and frustration in relationshipsfor you and your partners.
When youre perceived as giving chronic mixed messages, it makes true intimacy nearly impossible.
How can I heal my disorganized attachment?
Bring it back to yourself, Johnson recommends.
What do you notice about the way you interacted with past partners?
And how did that other person show up for you in those instances?
The answer to those questions will offer a lot of insight about how you might behave with partners now.
Even securely-attached people experience uncomfy moments in their relationships.
They will address their feelings with their partner and, together, work to move past them.
People with trauma histories may [find] that its hard to trust themselves.
Maybe its connected to something that your last two partners did.
Maybe its influenced by something you saw your grandpa do to your grandma when you were growing up.
