Dating
Trust that romance will come your way.
Q:Im halfway through my 33rd trip around the sun, and Ive been single for two years.
I bartend, which means I dont have normal availability to go out and meet people.
Ive found dating apps to be an all-around failure for me.
Most of the free time I get I like to spend decompressing from my work week.
Im definitely the pop in of person whos completely content at home with my dog.
But I just cant end this cycle.
I dont want to feel like I need to be on the prowl for my next relationship.
Any help with changing this mindset I have is very much appreciated.
A:I get this question or some version of this question a lot.
Almost all advice columnists do.
Its like The Question.
Its the thing everyone wants to know.
The question basically is: How do I find love and simultaneously be unbothered by my singlehood?
And there so often is outside pressure or an imaginary deadline in play.
Firstly, I must remind you that your age isnt a reflection of anything; its a measurement.
The Internet sadly poisoned us with the belief that women are somehow old in their mid-30s.
Which ismore time than youve even been alive.Think about how long ago kindergarten feels.
You have two more of those to go at least!
(Also old people find love all the time, too!)
And I do think love is coming your way.
Its become the external shorthand for our worth, our success, our happiness, and our desirability.
Thats a lot to put on something that is made up of a great deal of chance and luck.
Dating is sort of like that.
It just means two people havent met yet, and one of them sadly happens to be you.
I want to tell you something, though, about relationships.
This is dogsh*t actually and you are sooo lucky!
Love can be wonderful and transformative and theres a certain beauty to becoming yourselfwithanother person.
Heres what you have: opportunity.
The ability to shape your life into what you and only you want.
you could make big moves and changes without outside input.
You are without a contract, social or legal, to consider anyone elses feelings and plans.
(Of course, you still have friends and family and love and loved ones!!!
Im not ignoring them.)
You get to really shape your life right now into what you want it to be.
That might be sitting at home with your dog great!
But have you always wanted a garden?
Have you never been to Belize?
Save up and go!
Do you think you cant pull off bangs?
it’s possible for you to!
Do some sh*t that feels uncomfortable or scary right now that isnt about love or impressing someone.
It doesnt have to be scary to anyone else.
It can be boring from the outside.
Imagine your life as a ship.
Go after things you want that you have some control over.
There is no way to try really hard to find true love.
Love isnt a numbers game, its a waiting game.
And what you do in the interim before you find a person you want to try loving matters.
It matters not because it will get you ready for this person.
It matters because youre alive.
This is your life right now.
Your worth isnt diminished because you dont have a partner or a baby.
Just remember that effort and outcome arent proportional here.
It will come hell, you already have it!!!
Look at how many friends you have!
But romantic love will come again.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
This article was originally published onOct.
