It’s A Pleasure
Take it one step at a time.
Q:Im 42 and have never had sex.
For the first 30-ish years it was because of religion.
For the last 10-ish, it was because Ive been overweight and cant imagine someone seeing it.
Im mostly normal in every other area, I promise.
Honestly, Im terrified to have to admit to this.
How on earth do I move forward if I want to maybe find love at some point?
Am I too weird?
Is it too late to even start?
A:You dont need to promise me that youre normal!
Nothing about your letter seemed abnormal to me (not that abnormal is bad anyway!).
Believe me, I getthe impulse to defend yourself when it comes to sexual experience.
Ive talked to many, many people who consider themselves later in life virgins.
Its all both very real and very fake its as personally and emotionally impactful as it is socially constructed.
To me, what youre saying sounds something like I havent tried vanilla ice cream before!
Is it too late to try vanilla ice cream?
Of course its not too late!
Obviously, this isnt precisely the case because we as a society have loaded sex with atonof meaning.
I havefriends whove never had sex and feel bad about it.
I have friends who have sex nearly every day and feel bad about it.
I have friends who fall into both of those categories and who feel great about it.
I had over 100 people reach out to me in about 12 minutes.
I had to delete the tweet Id put up asking for people to interview and turn people away.
So hey believe me that I know just how common your situation is.
Or at least it might to other people.
And all the thousands of nuanced emotions that we dont have good words for.
Someone else has to magically want the same thing at the same time as you do.
So let me warn you: what comes nextwillbe frustrating.
Its annoying whether youve had sex before or not.
to remind yourself that none of this is a reflection of you.
You are a worthy, full, lovely human and you have been your whole life.
Sex is an activity like downhill skiing, OK?
you might do it alone or with someone else.
How often you ski doesnt decide whether youre a good person.
OK, so now how to approach it?
Youll probably at times feel embarrassed, vulnerable, horny, giggly, bored, sexy, and exposed.
Thats all very normal and youll survive it.
hey have a go at be kind to your body, and if you cant, be indifferent.
Not having sex because of your own judgments about your body is a harsh punishment.
You are not your body.
Your appearance is not a favor youre doing for other people.
Its not a project that, once completed, means you get to go have fun.
Like sex, it is not a measure of your worth.
Im not asking you to love your body on command.
Im very probody neutrality.
As for how to tell this to someone, explain it simply as if its normal because itvery muchis.
And then when it comes time to have sex, tell them its your first time.
Keep in mind thatyouget to set the tone.
If you want it to be no big deal, then insist it isnt a big deal.
If you want it to be really meaningful and romantic, OK, make that known.
It might mean you wait longer until the ideal situation arises, but thats fine!
Dont hint to your partner about what youre looking for, be clear!
Its not too late to start its never too late!
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
This article was originally published onMay 19, 2022
