Dear Sophia,
I am almost 30 and Ive never had sex.
Im not even sure how to phrase the question Im asking.
How do I not feel weird about this??
How do I find someone to get intimate with who wont make me feel weird??
How do I not feel like an unlovable, unf*ckable freak?
First-Timer
Dear First-Timer,
Something I like about your letter (and you!)
right away: You say youve never had sex, but you dont call yourself a virgin.
I can only assume this means you understand that virginity is, Im sorry to announce, fake.
Youre in a world where youre told that normal means having had sex in your teens.
Let me state that explicitly: You are lovable and desirable and worthwhilenow.
Dozens of people messaged me in minutes.
There is so much cruelty and shame placed on people who havent had sex, and Im sorry.
It should not be that way.
Its quite literally neutral.
The reality is that its going to take the time it takes.
you could be sad about it thats a very normal reaction!
You should allow yourself to feel all the grief you feel about it.
Scream into a pillow about how you feel left out or unwanted!
Cry to a best friend!
Dont feel like you should probably move on from this, or get over it.
Dont let anyone tell you that this isnt a big deal or that youre making it one.
Society made it one; its bullsh*t, but here we are.
I dont know where or who that person is!
If I had the info, I would share, I swear.
Someday, it will happen.
You will be with someone and youll decide that the time is rightfor youto have sex with them.
Maybe theyll be a friend, maybe you wont even know their name.
Maybe it will be underwhelming.
Maybe it will be fantastic.
Maybe youll be in a relationship first, maybe you wont even tell them its your first time.
Its up to you.
(Wow, it was really hard to estimate how many beejs I have given).
I think, however, its worth it to tell a potential partner.
Most people will not be fazed by sleeping with someone who hasnt had sex before.
All of us had sex for the first time at some point.
Also, sex with any new partner has some degree of newness to it, anyway.
There is also the emotional aspect of things; to me, sex and emotions are very easily separable.
then casual sex might not be the best place to start, even with a trusted friend.
Talking about uncomfortable things pre-sex is going to have to happen at some point in your life.
Unfortunately, they also might say something in response that takes sex with them off the table.
As with most hard conversations, the only way out is through.
you’ve got the option to handle a conversation about sex.
Im not precious about my virginity but I want to give you the heads-up before we begin.
Decide what the truth is, and share it with your future sex partner as you see fit.
Its something two people do together simply because it feels nice to rub junk.
Its not a stamp of approval any more than playing tennis with someone is a stamp of approval!
You are desirable, you are loveable, youre worthwhile.
In the meantime, feel free to be as pissed off/sad/enraged as you want that it hasnt happened yet!
Is this a normal thing or something I should be looking into?
This could not be more normal.
This is at least as common as seasonal allergies.
Additionally, its often enjoyable to fantasize about what sex would be like with different people.
That doesnt have to mean anything other than that your mind is turned on.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex and/or relationships question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
This article was originally published onOct.
