It’s A Pleasure
How do I just chill out?
Part of this, I realize, is me getting my hopes up too quickly.
When they do, Im caught feeling heartbroken over something that never began.
Part of me wonders if that anxiety itself is the reason these things dont work out.
Any advice on how to not get ahead of myself without missing a chance at connection?
And maybe how to get the kind of support I need from my non-single friends?
A:When I first starteddatingmy boyfriend, I wasfreaaaaakingout.
I simply didnt know what I was doing; Id never dated someone I actually liked before.
In fact, Id only dated one other person at all before.
I was a knot of anxieties.
As it turned out, I didnt need to worry.
God forbid I dither when deciding about a romantic partner.
Look, the phrase is embarrassing and not all that perspicuous.
But it reminded me not to cut off something good simply because I was scared.
I also wanted toenjoymy time dating him even if it came to an end sooner than I wanted.
(I think I somewhat succeeded.
I mean, weve been dating for seven and a half years now.)
Now, having a little mantra isnt going to remove all doubt.
Do you dread hanging out?
Are you dissatisfied in bed?
Are you excited for them to meet your friends?
Let these feelings guide what you do next.
Trust that if things are bad in the future, you will know to leave.
If things are good in the future, you will know to stay.
Your job is to show up and be present.
Nobody wins an award at the end of their life for being chill.
Its fine to have feelings preferred, actually!
You cant simply ignore the painful parts of dating.
The goal isnt being unaffected.
Instead, give a shot to experience the hard partswhenthey come rather than trying to anticipate and outsmart them.
I know you saysupport, but what does that look like for you?
Is there something you think I could work on that might help?
Ultimately, the reason youresingleis most likely because you havent met the right person yet.
Its not some hidden deficiency.
But sometimes, we can come off in ways we dont realize.
Our intentions get lost in translation.
So it might be worth asking the question.
You might also put some effort into finding another single friend or two to commiserate and celebrate with.
You might find it helpful to connect with people who are going through something similar.
Youre allowed to complain.
give a shot to slow down and enjoy whatever stage youre in.
(OK, maybe not heartbreak.
But even that can push you into building resiliency and empathy.)
Can you look toward the future with curiosity instead?
Its fine to be nervous, but trust your gut.
Youll know what to do.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
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