It’s A Pleasure
So many other people have touched him.
The relationship got extremely rocky towards the end due to a lot of conflict and self-centeredness.
A week after we broke up, I drunkenlymade out with a colleague from workwho is 5 years older.
We’ve been inseparable ever since and have been dating for the past 4 months.
I feel like we’reperfectly matched in emotional and intellectual compatibility.
We’re very understanding of each other and there’s a lot of strong feelings involved.
I think this is the first time I’ve beenin love.
And it’s been equal parts euphoric and frightening.
I wouldn’t change it for the world.
However, sometimes I get carried away by thoughts of his past.
I have never and will never judge anyone’s sexual history.
And I guessI feel insecure because I’m youngerand have little experience and worry if I’m good enough.
I’m not ajealous personat all.
And am usually very emotionally stoic and reserved.
This man has changed me.
So how the heck do I stop my mind from going to places it has no business going?
A:I have some thoughts about this situation that might not be fun to hear.
Youre not doomed if you dont listen to me.
It can be hard to want to stop and take stock of something that feels so intense.
That said, there are some things in your letter that stood out to me as warning signs.
The beginning of a relationship is chock-full of adrenaline and delusion and feel-good hormones.
(You even said the magic word:limerence.
Its also known as theinfatuation stage.)
Somewhere between18 months and three years, that lustful fixation will change; no relationship is exempt from that.
Thats when a deeper, morecomplete version of love comes in.
Ultimately, as corny this sounds, love is about actions, not feelings.
Theyre not as useful when youre describing a partnership.
Which is why its not possible for your bond to be perfect.
I just want you to crack some windows and let other things back into your life.
Without the excitement of love or the tension of conflict from your past relationship.
Where are you in all of this?
Not you as a partner, but you as a person.
We often mistake that feeling for excitement.
I think that might be part of your insecurity about his past.
Its not going to make for a good life.
You two have to stop feeling threatened by the world outside your love bubble.
I beg you to stop thinking of your partner as yours.
As someone who belongs to you.
I know the idea has merits and romance to it.
You cannot tighten your grip on another person and hope that results in stronger love.
Ownership is for cars and air fryers.
Its not healthy, its not generous, and its not kind its limiting.
You are sharing a life together, yes, but your lives are not meant to devour each others.
Also, you two were drawn together (I presume) because of what you saw in each other.
Isnt that essential spirit worth nurturing?
No one person is enough to build your life around, not even Zendaya.
the more secure youll feel in your relationship.
The temptation to compare yourself to his past will soften.
Youll come to realize it actually has nothing to do with you.
Your job is not to figure out whether his love for you will ever wax or wane.
Enjoy the present, but dont lose yourself in the process.
Get to know yourself outside of this relationship and work to lovethatperson.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
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This article was originally published onJuly 20, 2023
