It’s A Pleasure
OK, so you get envious sometimes so what!
Q:My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years.
We have a really great relationship and we respect and love each other deeply.
All my insecurities I’ve worked so hard to get over came rushing back.
How do I get past this?
A: You, my friend, have fallen into a trap.
A very common, very sticky trap.
No, youve bought into the societal myth that Getting Over Things is paramount.
That not feeling bad or insecure is a or eventhe sign of a healthy attitude and outlook.
And you sound like a reallygood partner.
But whats in your letter?
You havent punished your partner for your feelings of inadequacy or your grief over missing out on something.
You arent demanding that he lie (inadvisable) or change his past (impossible).
You arent begging or cajoling him into throwing away things that might have some lingering meaning to him.
You understand hisboundaries and youve set ones for yourselfthat seem incredibly healthy.
You say you worked so hard to get over this self-consciousness, but I dont think its really possible.
In fact, every single person I know is.
Its impossible to get rid of either old, deep wounds or society completely.
Youre bound to feel twinges of pain or pings of embarrassment from time to time.
Such is being human and caring about other people.
Insecurities are just us worrying that perhaps, for some reason, other people wont do those things.
And the harsh truth is that we all arelacking certain things.
So were all going to spend at least some of our time on Earth feeling self-doubt.
Yes, loving yourself is exquisite and I hope you do.
But loving anything doesnt mean blind adoration for all its parts.
There are things I dont … love.
[Disgusting details alert!]
And yet, my love for her is complete, total, irretrievable, and devastating.
Sorry to pivot this way after talking about anal glands, but!
Your love for yourself can be the same.
To wish you had a different past, to wish your partner did, too, perhaps.
For example, someone could love that theyre sensitive because it also means theyre very attuned to other people.
Or someone could love that they try too hard because it means they put in effort and show up.
you could also simply forgive yourself for them.
OK, so you get envious sometimes so what!
Forgive yourself for thinking harsh or petty or small thoughts.
Forgive yourself for being sad about your lack of experience.
(You have plenty of experiences!
Allow yourself room to be sad about what you think you missed out on.
And then ask your partner for what you want and need.
Plan an extra date night.
Take a cute photo together and frame it.
Write him a love letter.
But also let people help you feel them, too.
Talk with your boyfriend, share what makes you feel sad or bad or lesser.
Its not a weakness.
Its just being a human, which is obviously an embarrassing affliction, but one we all share.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
