It’s A Pleasure
The infatuation is getting out of control.
This has ultimately resulted in a happily-married albeit unsocialized and slightly-depressed self.
We had a good platonic friendship.
But then, some feelings snuck up on me.
I started to feel a connection.
I miss my teammates andI miss the truly platonic friendshipI had with my coach.
Mymarriageis very important to me.
Can a relationship ever turn platonic again if one person develops feelings but never acts on the infatuation?
A:You arent a dirty emotional cheater.
it’s possible for you to go ahead and take that concern off your plate.
In fact, if anything, you seem like youve perhaps overcorrected in the oppositedirection.
But Im wondering why.
And Im wondering what the cost is.
I worry that this level of self-monitoring is hurting you.
I could totally be wrong (lets always leave room for that!)
Everyone gets to decide their ownboundariesand priorities and how those intertwine with and shape their romantic relationships.
To me, it seems like your marriage comes first, second, and 45th in your life.
Of course, thats partly because you wrote a letter about your marriage.
But from this letter, all Im getting is marriage.
You even say My marriage is very important to me, which isgreat!!!!
!But as gently as possible, I want to whisper to you, I assumed so.
Because its a marriage.
Im not saying that to poke fun at your commitment.
That is The Good Stuff.
You have more or less avoided friendships for a decade.
That is deeply concerning.
Like not really a big deal.
Being attracted to people onsome levelis part and parcel of being their friend.
Not all attraction is romantic or sexual!
Attraction the desire to be around someone is so multifaceted.
(Im adding that last one out of hope that people find that attractive in me.)
They make you feel safe or excited or understood.
Evenifyou feel a little spark of acrushfrom time to time, thats OK!
You have had platonic feelings for your spouse, no doubt.
When you plan whos taking the cat to the vet this time, you probably dont swoon.
So why wouldnt your love for friends sometimes veer a tiny bit into the romantic category?
Love doesnt fall into neat types as much as wed all like to think.
The beauty ofmonogamyis not that you dontfeelfor someone else ever again.
Its that you still choose your partner.
You feel a connection with your coach.
Youre not acting on it!
In fact, you seem to have cut off all contact.
That isnot or at least should not be the promise of marital fidelity.
If you cease to interact with other people when you feel the slightestpingorzingof interest, thats not being faithful.
But I urge you to really think about the boundaries of your marriage.
Why are they in place?
Is your spouse adhering to them, too?
Part of why Im asking you this is that isolating a partner can be a sign of emotional abuse.
This dynamic can have serious consequences.
Where are you in all of this?
If you dont have the answers to all of these questions, thats fine.
They are thorny and painful, and some stones you turn over might have creepy crawlies under them.
But youre going to have to start asking questions.
Otherwise, youre staring down a rather lonely and isolated future.
You might find that a healthy partnership can include attraction to others as long as theres no action.
Or you might find that youre both intrigued to explore an open relationship.
You deserve and require a full, happy life.
Notjusta full, happy marriage.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
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