It’s A Pleasure
Most of us arent very good at being direct about what we want.
It shouldnt be this hard to say what I want, right?
(yo dont explain statistics to me.)
Sorry for saying boning.
My point is that for many of us, this shame runsdeep.
People get weird aboutbabiesrunning around naked!
How often do you think youve said the words I want your fingers inside of me now to someone?
Probably not that often!
Of course youre not exactly an expert at expressing yourself in bed.
The truth is, most of us arent very good at being direct about what we want.
You say you are, but I bet getting to that point took a lot of practice.
Most of us, especially women and femmes, are socialized to do the exact opposite.
Were often incredibly good at deferring to what makes other people feel more comfortable.
Often, this is for safety reasons (physical safety, emotional safety, social safety, etc.
); the stakes of being dismissed or ignored for us are frequently higher than for a cis guy.
Think about the places where youre the best at being, as you say, brutally honest.
What makes you feel safe there?
What do you value so much that youre willing to be a bit uncomfortable to get what you want?
Whats different about the bedroom?
Is it about how you want your partner to think of you?
Doyouperhaps have negative opinions toward women who ask for things during sex?
Are you simply uncomfortable saying certain words and phrases?
Not only should you get curious about your anxieties, but also about your desires.
If its the latter, first of all thats incredibly normal.
you might start to answer that for yourself by exploring what you find hot.
This should feel exciting, not limiting or embarrassing.
You dont have to have all the answers to what gets you going immediately.
In fact, there probably are very few concrete, unchanging answers.
What turns you on with one person or on one day will not stay the same.
You dont have to know for sure before you try something that youwillorgasm from it.
(You dont even have to orgasm at all for sex to be enjoyable!)
Practice dirty talk out of the bedroom without a partner around.
I didntfeellike I found them shameful, but clearly I had some lingering… issues… around sex.
So I started to say dirty words and sentences out loud in my car during my commute.
Imademyself say words and phrases unapologetically until I didnt flinch or pause anymore.
And, yes, I felt foolish sitting in traffic saying pussy over and over again.
When it does come time to bring your practice into the bedroom, start where you are.
Start with what youre alittleuncomfortable with and stretch from there.
You are not going to shock or scandalize your partner by saying any of those things.
That threshold is certainly ideal, but most couples seem to have sex first and then talk later.
Were all doing our best.
(Kinduis a popular app for this, but websites likeCarnal CalibrationandSexionnairealso work well.)
This is all a process.
You are not expected to be an expert at it right away.
Good sex requires vulnerability and practice.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex and/or relationships question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
