Will I ever get over him and be able to find that great love again?
However, this brings me to my biggest question of all.
I dont seem to be attracted to a more quiet, innocent punch in.
A:Firstly, congratulations on your sobriety!
If anything I say doesnt work or doesnt resonate with your recovery, ignore it.
The general recommendation about when to start dating after getting sober is to wait one year.
Levy took that approach, opting out of dating for a couple of months.
Another reason you might consider waiting?
Successful relationships are often built on a foundation of shared values.
Early in your recovery, you may not even know what your own values are yet, Gadhia-Smith says.
While it sounds like youd like to date again now, consider whats best for your well-being.
you’ve got the option to always revisit your decision down the road.
When you start dating again, careful time management is key.
She got into the habit of giving her dates a heads-up pretty early on in their conversations over text.
I was casual about it.
Btw, I dont drink!
But always down to get a Diet Coke.
(She liked coffee, museums, movies, and walks.
For non-alcoholic bars, she recommends Hekate on the Lower East Side and Getaway in Greenpoint.)
On the flip side, she got plenty of positive responses, too.
You might be surprised by how many people are relieved to not have to drink.
Your sobriety will make you stand outin a good wayto the right people.
Ultimately, you have to find what works best for you.
The right people will understand.
You seem to be workingvery hardat stamping out every single bad trait that you have and any negative impulse.
I suspect that while you perhaps made harmful choices while drinking, you werent an evil or irredeemable person.
But sobriety cannot and will not solve all your problems.
Instead, it will bring you to a place whereyoucan decide what kind of person you want to be.
But the person you become will not and I can guarantee this be without flaws.
You are still lovable.
At first, it probably will be!
I am not sober now, but I was for most of college when everyone else around me drank.
I remember very clearly how difficult dating and hooking up with people was when I was sober.
Its hard if the other person is drinking and its hard if they arent.
Most of us are incredibly unused to decoupling dating and drinking.
So what can you do?
Ask them how they have navigated dating and relationships.
Ask them practical questions, too!
What are good places to go on dates that dont involve alcohol?
When do they tell people theyre in recovery?
Or theyretoointo being dazzling and they require tons of attention without reflecting much back.
Aside from that, tons of sober people are gregarious and outgoing, and quiet doesnt mean boring.
Not because it will give you more options for dating but because theyre people.
Seek out people who are supportive and kind.
In time, you might find that your bang out changes on its own.
Beyond jot down, consider how your dates make you feel.
When I was drinking, I liked pretty much everyone and would accept the bare minimum, Levy recalls.
The ex-frat guy can be a good guy it just comes down to how he treats you.
My last bit of advice is this: learn to sit in awkwardness.
It takes practice to not have a go at bend over backward to prevent even a moment of discomfort.
Conversations may not flow like they seemed to when you were drinking.
It may feel more difficult to open up about things.
It may feel like everything is more vulnerable or intimate automatically.
It wont kill you!
Youre getting better at both the slog and the gift of being present.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
This article was originally published onJan.
