It’s A Pleasure
People always say, When you know, you know, but… do you?
Q:If I dont know after four years, does that mean my boyfriend isnt the one?
(I definitely dont believe theres only one perfect person for everyone.)
There is no knowing that someone is going to be the one, the right choice forever.
The question isnt, Will this person always make me happy?
but rather, Is this a relationship I want to build?
Theres a misconception that most of us unconsciously hold about relationships.
In reality, relationships arent given to you fully formed; youmakethem together.
You build your relationship with someone, your compatibility with them, brick by painstaking brick.
Its a little Sisyphus-ian, really.
(The silver lining here is that if Camus is to be believed, Sisyphus is happy.)
Im just reminding you that what you have with your partner iscreatedby you two you have control!
and her mother answers, You dont get divorced.
Its a trite joke, sure, but theres some truth to it, too.
The way to stay together is… you just do it.
I know Im massively oversimplifying things!
My reductionism is off the charts here.
Your real fear is one of two things.
And if things arent That Good, shouldnt you just leave now?
My vote, honestly?
Let me be clear: Those are bad outcomes.
Obviously, there are times when thats a little sad.
Its kind of boring!
Some days are hot; some days feel like falling in love again.
Every negative train of thought in your letter is posed as a future hypothetical.
The questions you ask are, Whatifthings get bad?
WhatifI become bored or dissatisfied?
Not that you are currently, which I think is really telling.
I believe if you were to start feeling very unhappy you would know.
Is there a guarantee those things wont happen with your partner in a few years?
But right now youre giving me absolutelyzeroreasons to predict that it will.
Its possible that one or both of you has a massive, unforeseen life event that breaks the relationship.
Its possible you want different things out of life down the road.
Are any of those a reason to leave now?
Youre never going to get a Hogwartsian letter in the mail that tells you whoThe Oneis.
Youll never know with absolute certainty that you made the right choice.
As you pointed out, there arelotsof people out there who would probably build a lovely life with you.
Would it be different in some really good ways with another person?
Would it also be different in some really bad ways?
But if youre 95% with someone, I dont think thats settling.
As Marianne Moore says in one of my favorite poems, Satisfaction is a lowly thing.
How pure a thing is joy.
Find happiness and stick with it when its hard, but not when its bad.
Youll never be able to see whats coming down the road.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia at BustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
This article was originally published onJan.
