It’s A Pleasure
Part of me still hopes well become more than friends.
Q:I have a long-distance friend whom I have grown closer to over the last year.
He just visited me for the first time, and we had a wonderful platonic weekend together.
I believe there is still chemistry between us.
It gets more complex.
The connection between us just feels undeniable.
But I do have many reasons to move there that arent related to him.
(Especially when you are actually into the guy.)
I dont think thats evencloseto what youre considering or describing.
It sounds like this move would be really good for you in a lot of ways.
The fact that you have your own group of friends there?
The fact that it helps your career?
The fact that this is a move youve been considering for a while?
You do not need to worry that your desire to do this revolves around him.
Does his presence sweeten the pot?
Unavoidably, yes who wouldnt want to be around their crush more?
But that doesnt make this an incorrect decision.
At least, it doesnt seem that way from the outside.
And anyway, there is nothing damning about making a decision because youre horny or lovesick.
You dont win any points at the end of life for being circumspect.
Youre allowed to fail.
Youre allowed to get it wrong.
Maybe you move there and hate it.
Maybe its harder than you expected to find a job.
Maybe you find yourself missing your current city on a bone-deep level.
Or maybe you want to move again to an entirely new city.
Youre allowed to try things that you arent certain will pan out the way you thought.
Its your first time being alive.
Enough about the move itself; its time to talk about this guy.
Its normal and fine and fun to have a crush on a friend.
Youre not the first or last to have one.
That said, I urge you to be a bit more honest with yourself about your intentions.
For example, you mention that you two had a platonic weekend, but the weekend wasntreallyplatonic for you.
It was a weekend you spent hoping for more from this person.
Thats not cruel or weaselly, but it might cost you this friendship.
You cant use friendship as a holding place for something better to come along and neither can he.
(I would argue that friendship itself is pretty much as good as it gets, anyway.)
You cant pretend to be friends with someone while scheming and dreaming of dating them.
Simply put, its false.
Theres no perfect way for me to explain what I think the limits of horniness are within friendship.
Youre saying, Youll come around!
And I know part of that is simple hope, which is fine.
Sometimes, I still daydream about living in a castle with Heath Ledger.
(Only a few minor speed bumps in that plan!)
But its your job as a friend to not let your romantic interest in this person overtake your friendship.
Try your hardest to see it for what it is: a sign of good friendship.
Whether you move to his city or not, my absolute strongest recommendation is the Reverse Landslide.
Do not build your life around this guy and what hemightwant in a partner.
Do not venture to become that.
Do not shimmy into an ill-fitting Halloween costume of his fantasy person.
Dont adopt his likes and hobbies.
Dont decide which neighborhood to live in basedonlyon his recommendation.
Build your life up around yourself.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
This article was originally published onDec.
