Relationships
You say he doesnt listen, he says hes unable to perform emotional labor.
When Kathryn, now 24, was a senior in college, she and her boyfriend fought constantly.
Some of their fights trod ground familiar to many couples.
There was the question of career and money goals, and where to live.
He suggested they each go to therapy to work on their issues.
Her therapist quickly concluded, You dont need therapy, you just need to break up with your boyfriend.
His sessions went differently.
Hed say, Youre only mad right now because youre letting your childhood trauma trigger you.
Except Kathryn had never told him anything like that.
You say he doesnt listen, he says hes unable to perform emotional labor.
You ask why he hasnt responded to your texts, he says youre triggering his avoidant attachment style.
At its core, its language designed to give the deliverer the upper hand.
I think he just thought he sounded smart saying it, says Kathryn.
After a second therapist advised her to break up with him, she ended it.
In the dating world, seeking professional mental health treatment is no longer something to hide.
To the contrary, its somethingmany are actively looking forin a partner.
This raises an awkward question: can therapy ever do more harm than good?
Earlier this month,texts that actor Jonah Hill reportedly sentto his then-girlfriend Sarah Brady in 2021 went viral.
(Somemight arguethat sharing private text messages out of context is also an example of a crossed boundary.)
Boundaries arent the only problem.
When she asked if he had cheated on her, he accused her of gaslighting him.
He was like, Youre trying to convince me I cheated on you.
Obviously, I got the sex toys for you.
This kind of jargon is often misused.
Halfway through Francesca*s three-year relationship with her ex, he began therapy to navigate some family issues.
It seemed like an excuse to be a jerk.
He always had the upper hand, she says.
Millennial men might be particularly susceptible to this problem.
From a young age, boys are unfairly judged for expressing their feelings, Capecchi says.
Its endearing, and impressive, when guys make a run at unwind their conditioning.
But its not easy work.
(It also doesnt necessarily mean theyre being honest with their therapist.)
On its own, therapy isnt a shortcut to being a good partner.
For some, the green flag has turned red.
Honestly, it did give me pause when we first met, she says.
So thats even scarier.
People often joke that the worlds problems would all be solved ifmen just went to therapy.
Unfortunately, it doesnt work like that.
They split but kept in touch.
She says, Clearly, it had all been fed to him.
As a newly minted law school grad, could Ariel offer any advice?
Her tip: Embrace solitude.
Obviously, people can change, but he was clearly not in therapy to get help.
He went to get validation and continued to behave badly, she says.
*This source has requested a pseudonym to protect her privacy.
This article was originally published onJuly 20, 2023
