Q:How do Iend this cycle of an on-and-off relationshipwith my ex?
It’s been difficult for me to completely break off from them.
I started seeing this person in high school and now it’s been five years.
After graduation we became distant and I started seeing someone else.
Every time I want to move on with someone else, he comes back at that very moment.
A:My friend!
You need Loretta Castorini/Cher to yell Snap out of it!
Where are you in all of this?
You have absolutely abdicated any sense of responsibility you have.
You talk as if you are a puppet that he controls.
As if you have no power over your own decisions.
Not only is that one of my pet peeves youre an adult, own your actions!
but youre devaluing yourself.
Youre robbing yourself of agency!
You are not a boat and he is not the current.
You are not the moth and he is most certainly not the flame.
You are an independent person with total control over what and who you do.
I dont say this because the choice you oughta make is easy, but itissimple and straightforward.
The action you musttake is obvious I think you know this.
Again, that doesnt mean it wont require courage on your part.
That doesnt mean it wont shipwreck you for a bit.
But you have to stop talking to this guy.
There is no safe amount of space in your life for this dude.
He isnt the hot plate in a dorm room, hes an open fire.
Dating him will consume you (and the metaphorical room) every time.
Again, though, thats also putting a lot on him.
I suspect hes fully aware of what hes doing and when and why.
And Im sure hes aware that you do not require much from him.
The part that you have to figure out is whats makingyoudo this.
You are going to have to answer: why this guy, why this relationship?
Becauseonsome(twisted) level, this pattern is very much working for you.
Its giving you something, otherwise you wouldnt do it.
Do you like the adrenaline rush?
Do you love the attention?
Does he make you feel wanted, if not valued?
Do you like emotional highs and lows?
Do you feel like you missed out on something that hes fulfilling?
It could be tons of things that I didnt list!
Its probably a combination of a lot of factors.
Its not always intentional, but its pervasive.
In fact, it will markedly improve your life.
It takes practice to get comfortable with the truth that disappointing men doesnt diminish your value.
Perhaps it will make you say no to the next guy who treats you like crap even earlier.
It will suck at first, to be sure.
And I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you do not date other people for a while.
Let yourself become yourself without this guy.
Regardless, hes gotta go.
Just because you shared a past with someone does not mean you owe them your future.
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This article was originally published onAug.
