It’s A Pleasure
I really want to be a good boyfriend now.
Q:I’ve been having anaffairfor five years.
I was in love with her and did all the stupidbreakupstuff the grand romantic gesture, the late-night contact.
Then, just when I stopped obsessing, she reappeared and said she missed me.
My girlfriend is an amazing human being and weve been together for nine years.
We almost never fight, we share the same interests, and were incredibly comfortable together.
I love her and really want to give a shot to be a good boyfriend now.
But she seems genuinely happy and completely oblivious to what I’ve done.
Part of me says she deserves to know.
But what good can come from breaking her heart now?
A:My first instinct is to yell at you for a bit.
Frankly, however, I dont think it will help, andI think you kind of want that.
You seem to want me to say that youre an irredeemably sh*tty person.
Thats the easy way out.
And youvebeentaking the easy way out.
You didnt break up with your girlfriend upon discovering that a BDSM-free life was a deal-breaker for you.
You didnt give hersay in your relationships future.
And now, youre asking if you’re free to simply hate yourself and merrily dance along?
So far, youve acknowledged that you behaved like a perfidious dirtbag.
Youve called yourself bad names.
But self-flagellation doesnt undo the truly magnificent amount of harm youve done to your girlfriend.
This isnt just aboutyou sleeping with someone else.Repeatedly.
Every single day for five years, you had to wake up and keep the truth from your partner.
How would you know anything about that?
You exchanged excitement with her for excitement with another person.
Did your girlfriend get to go out and find someone else whenyoulostyourshininess which you no doubt did?
Or did she stick it out?
You irreparably broke that.
You didnt end it for her sake, you ended it for yours.
Youre asking how to do best by her.
(A little late, but I digress.)
Is it more ethical to let her live in blissful ignorance, or to devastate her with the truth?
Its a question philosophers and remorseful scoundrels have been asking since the dawn of time.
I get why youre tempted to sweep this under the rug.
You think you moped through a breakup and that didnt come across somehow?
What about the days you were exhausted because youd been up all night sexting someone else?
You really think the twain didnt meet?
Suppose you dont tell your girlfriend and simply do some self-loathing from time to time as penance.
That leaves her stuck with a dishonest guy who is riddled with Swiss cheese holes of lies.
She can do better!
As soon as possible,tell her the truth.
Youve had the upper hand the full picture of your relationship for five years.
To warp your basic understanding of love?
Dare to feel how badly this will hurt her, and dont flinch.
I dont know what will happen after you come clean.
Many couples surviveaffairs,though to be honest, I wouldnt hold out hope.
Its up to your girlfriend to determine if thats on the table.
(If anyone is interested in reading more, I strongly suggest Esther PerelsState of Affairs.)
Putting aside your girlfriend for a second youre very good at doing that youve also done yourself long-term damage.
However, I do think you are very, very, very broken and selfish.
The only way for you to ever become whole again is to own this.
Every single part of it.
Now, owning it doesnt mean you sit your girlfriend down and tell her every detail.
She gets to decide how much information she wants.
The conversation is notabout unburdening yourself, or undoing harm.
Its about taking the first step to let her live an honest life.
like avoid any sentences with the word deserve in them, i.e., You deserve to know…
If you believed that, you would have told her when it started.
Regardless of what happens with your relationship,you better go to therapy.Thats non-negotiable.
you better interrogate why you were so willing and able to harm a person you love.
It will be excruciating, and yet, it is necessary.
But you are not the important one right now.
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