It’s A Pleasure
This problem is as old as time.
Q:Ive been with my boyfriend for three years.
Its getting in the way of my ability to commit fully to our relationship.
Do we need time apart?
Or should I just get over it and consider myself lucky to have found love when Im young?
A: Here it is, here it is!
Its my favorite question of all time.
One I have logged an ungodly amount of time thinking about.
Partially for self-centered reasons (is my own experience enough?
What didImiss out on?)
Maybe someone has had twolong-term lovesinstead of one.
Maybe someone has never been with a partner of a particular gender theyre attracted to.
Maybe they got pregnant the first time they had sex and theyve been with that partner ever since.
The details change, the essence of the question remains the same.
I blameHow I Met Your Motherfor this.
When we talk about celebrity gossip, its so often about breakups and relationships and hookups.
(And lord knows, there could be a handful of marriages).
Then on TV, youve got the Ted Mosbys and Jules Vaughns.
One cant be blamed for assuming that everyone else has dated at least six people since 2022 began.
The thing is… its just not true.
Sitcoms arent any more realistic thanWestworldorReacher.And celebrities only date so much because well, theyre mega hot and rich.
Let me assure you that your lack of experience is nowhere near as pronounced as you believe.
Of course, that doesnt assuage the sadness.
To use a phrase from 2009, you get to be butthurt.
The question is, then, what do you do with this grief?
Is this grief over what you missed out on a sign that you should probably upend your life?
(As far as we know.)
Which means that youre going to miss out.
Nor am I going to be a race car driver or married to a young Paul Newman.
Its bullsh*t, obviously!
Because heres the real deal: Wherever you go, there you are.
You will also sob on the bathroom floor some days.
Your life will be very much the same as it is now only without this person you love.
Do I think you could have an equally fabulous relationship with someone else?
Absolutely, 100%.
But how is that better than what you already have?
And yes, novelty is exciting and anxiety-provoking and fun.
But new romantic relationships are not the only avenue to thrill theyre just a shortcut.
Also, what is the plan for this?
That seems rather cruel.
Youfeel like you missed out and youre allowed to be miffed about that, get it out!
I am, however, going to gently suggest that you reframe what comes nextfor you.
Having one partner does not close all the doors to excitement.
There isnt some predetermined outcome that you chose that you are now just living out with the clock running.
Being with one person doesnt mean becoming invisible or fading away.
Dont hang around people who treat that as the case.
Dating doesnt equal life experience.
Or at least its not the only thing that equals life experience.
Expand your life, not your dating roster.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
This article was originally published onMarch 3, 2022
