Former child starJennette McCurdyis known toiCarlyfans as the sardonic Sam Puckett.
But behind the scenes, she was grappling with fame, an abusive mother, and an eating disorder.
Our lips are touching.
Hes moving his mouth around a bit, but I cant move mine.
His eyes are closed.
Mine are wide open, staring at him.
Its so odd, staring at a person while your faces are touching.
I dont like it.
I can smell his hair gel.
Move your head around a bit more, Jennette!
The Creator yells from off-camera.
Sometimes, even when the cameras rolling, producers or directors shout things off-camera.
My body is stiff.
My body is rejecting my mind.
My mind is saying who cares that this is your first kiss, that your first kiss is on-camera.
Get it over with.
Do what youre told.
My body is saying no, I dont want this.
I dont want my first kiss to be like this.
I want my first kiss to be a real first kiss, not a kiss for a TV show.
I disdain the part of me thats romantic.
Im embarrassed by it.
So I take a stab at force it away.
And its been there for a while.
I wonder about boys sometimes.
What it would be like to love one.
I wonder if one will ever love me.
I used to wonder about kissing.
How it would work.
Its a thing you cant practice ahead of time.
It just happens at some point.
Do you just go with it?
What do lips taste like?
These are all questions that now, in this moment, I have the answers to.
But if youre me, you cant.
Lips taste like Blistex chapstick.
I start to wonder if all of this would be different if I loved the person.
Maybe thats the secret ingredient.
The Creator yells off-camera, his mouth full of something.
The crew parts like the Red Sea, letting The Creator pass by them and walk up to us.
The Creator looks me right in the eye but doesnt say anything for four or five seconds.
This is no time for laughter.
Finally, he speaks.
He turns and walks away.
WHY ARENT WE ROLLING!
We start the scene.
Its an out-of-body experience, doing the scene leading up to the kiss.
My heart is pounding.
My hands are clammy.
Here it comes here it comes here it comes.
Theyre like little gross fleshy piles of flesh.
Its disgusting to be a person.
Shoot, Im supposed to move my head.
I start moving it.
I sway it around.
It doesnt feel natural so Im sure it doesnt look natural.
Nathan, as his character, Freddie, finally breaks away.
I can tell by his tone that he isnt happy.
He looks to the assistant director.
Do we have time for another?!
Not really, sir, weve gotta head to scene J if were gonna wrap on time.
Fine, he says angrily.
That was not ideal but FINE, well move on.
Ill be at crafty!
The Creator storms off, heading to crafty for his chips or his bagel or his minestrone soup.
I watch him go.
Im sad I didnt kindly him.
Yeah, I say with a nervous half laugh.
Just like that, my first kiss is over with.
This article was originally published onAug.
