Q:My partner and I started our relationship as polyamorous he already had a primary partner.
At the time, I didnt know that they were having issues as a couple.
I was not his first non-primary partner.
As time went on, our connection deepened and I wanted to meet his primary partner.
Sometime later, they took a break from their relationship.
Eventually, he decided to end his relationship with her and pursue a monogamous relationship with me.
He still lives with her (in separate rooms).
Do you have any suggestions?
A: I think you already know the answer to this, and that the answer sucks.
Theres no relationship on Earth that is worth enduringdamage to your mental health.
There are big-picture events like your or your partners health changing drastically.
Or one of you losing a job.
Or struggling with fertility.
Its not that your partner is going to have zeroeffect on your well-being.
Of course, they will!
But if the relationshipitselfis making your overall mental health suffer, that is the reddest of red flags.
Personally, I think youre worried with good reason!
This seems like an unfortunate beginning to a loving, trusting relationship.
The start of a relationship should be fairly easy, to be honest.
This is the time when love should flow like honey.
Right now your love is working about as well as a McDonalds ice cream machine.
Let me walk you through all the reasons I think you should be worried.
Im very much supportive ofnon-monogamyin its many and varied forms.
Monogamy isnt the one right way to have a relationship!
If my partner were emotionally abusing another one of my partners or anyone that would be an instant deal-breaker.
Them just being mean to someone would be a strong and hard no.
Of course, Im not entirely sure what he knew maybe he knew nothing about how she treated you.
But thatscenario also concerns me because it means that you didnt feel like you could comfortably communicate with him.
If you feel you cant be honest with a person, thats not a good candidate for partnership.
He does not have to, however, stay close to her!
you could be a cordial roommate with an ex until the lease is up without maintaining close contact.
On top of still speaking to her, hes clearly prioritizing her comfort and needs above yours.
Now, probably thats because he feels guilty for leaving her and picking you.
He absolutely needed to break up with her.)
He shouldnt be seeing her at all!
Maybe one time to grab his lucky Spongebob boxers he accidentally left at her house, and thats it!
He should be eagerto cut this person out of his life.
All partnerships are different and call for their own rules and expectations.
But its not like he went from a poly relationship with someone else to a monogamous relationship with you.
He went from a poly relationship with you to a monogamous one.
Thats a huge shift!
Hes refusing toset or enforce boundariesthat would help him or you or your current relationship.
I dont have good things to say about people who cannonball from one relationship right into another.
It almost alwaysportends disaster.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
