Wellness
You are allowed to feel this way.
Just don’t take it out on him or his body.
Q:Over the course of the pandemic, my boyfriend has put on about 40 pounds.
His greatest pleasure seems to come from eating junk food, and lots of it.
Im no longer physically attracted to him, and I feel horrible about it.
But its the truth.
How would I say anything?
I keep imagining if the situation were reversed.
I dont know how to bring this up.
Am I a terrible, shallow person?
Does it mean I never loved him?
A:Let me begin with the easiest of your questions: This doesnotmean you never loved him.
You loved him previously, and Im virtually certain you still love him now.
The cold, crummy, thrilling, miraculous truth of the matter is that attraction changes over time.
More often, it waxes and wanes.
Also, attraction isntpurelyphysical.
It makes a lot of sense for your attraction to have dipped.
It is not evil or cruel to not be attracted to your partner, whatever the reason may be.
That doesnt make you a bad person.
I wish and Im fairly certain youd agree that weight didnt have such a cultural significance placed on it.
It would bewonderfulif we didnt ascribe any meaning at all to someones weight.
And weight is one of the most sensitive appearance-related topics of all.
On top of that,hehas everything to lose from you saying it.
Its not like he doesnt know hes gained weight.
He is fully aware, Im sure, that his body has changed.
His body is alive!
To be even clearer: I AMNOTCONCERNED ABOUT HIS WEIGHT IN TERMS OF HIS HEALTH.
Plenty of fat people are healthy.
Plenty of fit people are unhealthy.
If he has a health issue, thats for him and his doctor to discuss NOT you.
On top of that, healthiness is not better than unhealthiness.
People who have chronic illnesses who will not recover from them are not lesser than healthy people.
Health is not moral.
What Im concerned about is hismentalhealth.He has stopped doing things he previously loved or at least liked.
Hes stopped caring for a pet!
Im sure there are more examples that didnt make it into your letter that are not exercise-related.
Its making me concerned about you.
I need you to talk to a doctor about this.
Id also love for you to go to therapy, but I know thats a longer process.
Its very important to me that we take care of ourselves and this is part of that.
Donotbring up his weight.
And then listen to him!
Listen to what he says and how he responds.
If hes defensive, thats understandable, if frustrating.
Thats OK. Love can carry you for a bit.
Sometimes it feels more like were roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend and Im really upset by that.
(Instead actually say whatyoufeel though, obviously.)
See what he says.
Is he feeling that too?
What ideas does he have?
Can you go on more date nights?
Can you take walks with the dog together?
Can you touch each other more (gross sentence, sorry)?
This is going to take effort, time, and patience, which very much sucks.
You are allowed to feel like it sucks.
Just hey do not take that out on him or his body.
Show up, love him, give yourself a break, forgive yourself, keep loving him.
As far as you know right now, hes worth it and the relationship is worth it.
If that changes which I personally doubt it’s possible for you to make another decision later.
