It’s A Pleasure
Is this my issue, or his?
But Ive never been able to do it.
I wanted to keep that special place in his life, that number one spot.
If I couldnt be his girlfriend, maybe I could be his best friend.
He says its all platonic, that shes one of his best friends.
He says to cut her out would mean cutting out rock climbing.
OK, fine, but I truly hate that they hang out so much.
I hate that they are best friends.
I hate that they hang out one-on-one!
I hate that they go to dinner, I hate that they grab drinks.
Is this my issue, or his?
Is it inappropriate for him to have hung on to an ex like this?
Ive never met her, and Im not sure if that makes it all better or worse.
A:You asked one of themostexcellent questions Is this my issue or his?
The answer is: itsyourissue,plural.
Not your issue and also his issue, but yours together.
This, as with most things in a relationship, is a group project.
You will both be graded on what you do together.
And the grade comes in the form of relationship satisfaction.
You are absolutely allowed tofeelthis way about this situation.
That said, so do trust issues.
And Im not just talking about you blindly trusting your boyfriend not to sleep orflirt with his ex.
Im also talking about himbeing trustworthy enoughto not put you in positions that make you question him.
Im talking about him trustingyouwhen you say that something hurts, and him trusting that your needs are reasonable.
Look, you dont need to work toward beingin lovewith the fact that hesfriends with his ex.
None of us can beeverythingto our partners.
Its why outside friendships often fall to the wayside at first.
Its something that seven years down the line you will appreciate.
(It probably wont even take that long.)
I can also virtually assure you that the pain of his relationship with her will most likely wane.
You might be thinking, Why does it have to beherthough???!?!!
And to that I say, why does any friendship form?
Why does anyone feel like a safe person to spill your guts to?
Why do some people stay in our lives longer than others?
You have to remember that your boyfriend is specificallynotwith this person romantically anymore.
He is with you.
He just likes rock climbing and probably still has a strong foundation of friendship with his ex.
Im not saying thats easy to accept.
It bothered me relentlessly until I finally exhausted myself like a dog chasing its tail and let it go.
He deserves good outlets!
Again, thats notjustyour work to do to get to that outcome.
He must participate and listen and be open, too.
Here are my concrete suggestions for how to navigate this moving forward.
Everyone should do exactly what I do!
And have my taste in movies and TV!
Second, think about what boundaries might make this feel better for you.
(You might be wrong at first, and the boundaries might need to be adjusted later.)
It might be that you want to meet her!
I think thats a very reasonable request.
Maybe you want to be occasionally invited along, or maybe you want to have her over for dinner.
I dont know what will feel the best, and whatdoesfeel the best might change over time.
You should, however, ask for what you need.
Im just feeling insecure right now.
Regardless of whether an emotion is reasonable or fair, your partner shouldwantto be reassuring and helpful.
They should want you to feel good!
Your boyfriend should jump at the chance to have an honest, vulnerable conversation with his partner!
Thats the good sh*t!
Most importantly, give yourself some grace.
you’re free to acknowledge them.
That doesnt mean you better always change them.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
