It’s A Pleasure
I’m worried I won’t be able to trust anyone ever again.
Q:I got dumped a week ago.
Well, didI get dumped?How do you categorize beingghostedby your boyfriend of over a year?
I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but I keep racking my brain for something I did.
I honestly think any sort ofclosurewould only hurt more at this point.
Like, was there some giant red flag I missed?
He was always a little flaky but he also always apologized and made things up to me.
And very, very hurt.
I’m worried I’m going to struggle totrust anyoneever again.
I hate myself for wondering if I’m ever going to find someone again.
I feel weak for feeling hurt when I suspect my ex doesn’t feel much of anything.
A:First and foremost, I am so, so sorry.
I am virtually certain that there is nothing that you did to cause this.
He could have said, Hey, you did X, which unfortunately is adealbreakerfor me.
What can we do to solve it?
This is the kind ofcommunicationyou deserve.
To steal a phrase fromJury Duty, this guy beefed it.
So what are you meant to do?
Your first (and second and 432nd) task is tofeel your feelings.Womp womp!
You shouldnt make rumination your best friend; this will not take over your life forever.
But in the short term, you do have to wade through this experience.
Moving on is not about forgetting or letting go, its about processing.
Those are great things to take note of!
And then, when the timing is right for you, really sit with those things and experience them.
That might mean crying or screaming into a pillow.
That might mean staring blankly at your bedroom ceiling while you play a John Denver song.
(Just me?)
But allow yourself to feel difficult, uncomfortable feelings.
You do not need to do this 24/7.
You are allowed to feel sad/bad/mad and acknowledge the feeling without inviting it in for tea.
you’re able to wave to it from your front door and be like, See you later!
Talk to you then!
Just like Catch ya later, guilt!
I know where to find you!
And then do your best to put the feeling down.
When it comes back to your mind, shoo it off; you will find it later.
So, embracing tough emotions but pushing them away sometimes is that contradictory advice?
But thats what will help you heal.
Think of it like this: You arent meant to become a dictator of your feelings.
Youre more like a sweet kindergarten teacher wrangling a bunch of 6-year-olds with varied interests.
Youre allowed to go cry in the bathroom at work sometimes.
When youre in a place to actually do some processing, meet your emotions with curiosity.
Are there other times youve experienced this feeling?
What does this remind you of?
What are you afraid of?
Is what youre afraid of likely to actually happen?
I would bet not!
I bet your brain is feeling extra fearful because its in turmoil.
It is extremely unlikely that this was your last real shot at romance.
When Im having trouble sorting out my feelings, I attempt to ask myself: Whats your best-case scenario?
Whats the worst-case scenario?
Then think about what concrete steps you might take to avoid the worst outcomes.
For example, if youre afraid youll be alone forever, make more feel-good plans with friends.
If youre feeling unworthy, remind yourself how capable you are.
If youre having a hard time answering these questions, I recommendjournalingandtherapy.
Emotions often are a sign of how safe or secure we are (or feel like we are).
Its hard to feel good when the ground has been ripped out from under you.
So find things and people that make you feel loved and secure.
Make blanket nests and take bubble baths and hang out with your oldest friends.
They dont have to say the right thing about this guy.
There is no right thing to say that will give you any answers or bring any closure.
The closure is that this guy is a f*cko.
You still have a lot of great things in your life.
Take note of how your feelings shift over time.
One day, you might look back at all this and think, Thank God that ended.
Or maybe, Im glad I learned how to be on my own.
yo, I am begging you, remind yourself frequently thatthis is not about you.Its about him.
It hurt you, but that doesnt mean anything about your value or what will happen in future relationships.
As for how to trust again?
My overall suggestion is to pump the brakes.
Think about moving slowly.
OK, now even slower than that.
Give yourself the gift of time.
Try not to fill the void left by this guy with romantic attention.
Thats not a good start to anything.
Instead, be patient with yourself.
They should do the same.
There is always the chance that something ends again, and ends poorly.
Your task isnt to prevent that.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
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This article was originally published onAug.
