It’s A Pleasure
Instead of turning your brain off completely, reroute its thinking.
Also, I can only come in certain positions.
What the hell is wrong with me?
And does it take away spontaneity if I only have like two positions which I can finish from?
Anxious Overthinker
Dear Anxious Overthinker,
A: There is nothing wrong with you.
Not that being normal is any more moral than being abnormal.
And the same is true for them!
I have done this with multiple partners, everyone I know has done this with their partners!
No one is going to think thats even 1% weird.
Ok, thats the simple answer for the simpler question.
Now we get to the harder part: what your brain is doing during sex.
To put it simply, your brain is freaking itself out.
So what youre doing when you imagine something else other than sex is actually a coping technique.
And it is damned hard to convince a brain to suck it up and risk embarrassment.
And this is giving you a very difficult path to actually being in the moment.
But perhaps theres a way to use your big beautiful overactive brain of yours to your advantage: mindfulness.
Many, many sex therapists spend enormous amounts of time with their patients focusing on mindfulness.
Instead of turning your brain off completely, reroute its thinking.
Look at how we treat masturbation, as an example.
Its something that, for most of us, we were taught to do quietly and secretly.
Something we were not supposed to talk about.
And for most of us, its one of our earliest sexual experiences.
Im not advocating for public jerking off!!!
I bring up masturbating because its a great, low-pressure place to start to attempt to change your patterns.
The focus shouldnt be on an orgasm–that will come later (not a pun).
The focus should just literally be you touching your body slowly and deliberately and finding out whatyoulike.
I know this will sound weird and possibly embarrassing (its not!!!
), but try talking or making sounds when you masturbate.
Im not saying you better do thiseverytime you masturbate, but practice!
Practice getting comfortable with yourself, practice actually feeling the good feelings sex creates.
Orgasming is fabulous; I love orgasms!
Being present during the build up is going to help you at the end, too!
Imagine fastforwarding through a movie and only watching the last four minutes; the ending wouldnt be very satisfying.
Thats pretty cool; lets enjoy it.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex and/or relationships question, email Sophia atBustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
