It’s A Pleasure
Our relationship was losing its spark and I accidentally slept with my previous ex.
Q:I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago after over two years of dating.
The relationship ended up being less passionate over the last several months.
Ive been feeling pretty good.
Im considering going on a date and not jumping into it but slowly giving him a chance.
Do you think its worth trying and if so do I need to tell him aboutthe cheating?
you’re free to reject what I say summarily.
c’mon use this letter as a jumping-off point to investigate yourself,notto disparage yourself.
Lets start with the idea of the spark in a relationship.
You arent a cabbagehead for thinking that sparks are or feel real.
We have been sold that idea through the media over and over and over again.
Its not meant to excite and thrill you constantly.
In the words of psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel, Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm.
So much of what we have categorized as passion is actually… anxiety.
Thoughts like Do they feel the same way I do?
or Will they stay with me?
or Do they love me?
give us some level of, well, fear a fear that feels like a thrill.
Its the same way a rollercoaster works.
That is fine in the short term, butof courseit fades.
You have mistaken fading desperation for fading love, when really, that is often when love arrives.
Now, is that boring?
Sometimes love is very boring.
Its often a delightful slog.
Are you obligated to stick it out with someone you find dull or uninteresting to be around?
Is all love boring all the time?
It should not be.
Im not trying to paint a bleak picture here.
Love is beyond great.
Theres a reason were shooting our shots in DMs and squealing over theMr.
I dont know whatanyonecould write or do that would make that true.
you will have a hard time.
If you only value people for their excitement factor, long-term love will always feel like a compromise.
If that takes serious relationships off the table for you for a while or forever, thats OK!
You are not required to date anybody.
I am not in favor of you doing anything again with your ex.
I do not think either of you has changed.
Its been three weeks.
The most Ive changed in three weeks is when I tried a different milk alternative in my coffee.
You are not different people now;all the factors that led to your breakupare still true!
Im certain that you have not grown yet.
It takes more than three weeks!
You start by very flippantly describing cheating on your partner.
Then you completely refuse to take any responsibility, saying it wasnt intended.
What do you mean?
I mean, seriously.
Did you slip down a large hill and land on top of your other ex?
You did intend to cheat and you did it.
Own up to your poor choices.
I dont think people who cheat deserve all bad things for the rest of time.
You dont need to flagellate yourself for 10 years as penance.
But you cant absolve yourself of this hurtful thing without some serious introspection first.
And you did it with another ex someone you used to feel better about yourself momentarily.
You have to figure out why you were cruel and hurtful to a person you dated for two years.
Then you continue saying, rather cavalierly, that you tried kissing a girl.
Another disposable person who is simply there for your pleasure.
that you are Having Fun, that Life Is Exciting.
But in the meantime, you are mowing people over emotionally.
The question is: why?
What void are you trying to fill with fun, with diversion, with excitement?
Whats making you feel like life isnt enough or you arent enough?
Then listen to yourself.
Pay attention to your fears.
Should you tell your ex that you cheated?
I wouldnt, honestly.
You absolutely should not get back together with your exes either of them, or anyone else right now.
Reckon with your patterns.
Learn how to validate yourself, how to excite yourself, how to sit in your boredom and discomfort.
This right here is the real hot girl sh*t. Its independence.
Its learning who you are and how you treat people.
Its being OK on your own without outside sources of excitement.
Good things are on the other side of this process.
It will be painful, but it will also be so gloriously worth it.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
