It’s A Pleasure
I feel like Im just waiting for him to cheat on me.
We came from nothing and now live a pretty great life.
We have always had a great sex life, and I still want him like nobodys business.
It is causing a lot of tension in our marriage, as we are both left feeling inadequate.
How can I not feel so undesired, mad, and hurt when this happens?
It makes me feel like the problem is me and I shut down.
How do I get over these intense feelings to move forward in my marriage?
You cant convince me that a 37-year-old man has no sex drive.
I also believe this will lead to infidelity on his part, finding someone that does turn him on.
A:Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Theres a lot of good news here your problems are all addressable, if not solvable!
But first, youre going to have to unlearn some patterns and judgments.
Just to show you how silly this is, lets pretend Ive always been insecure about my elbows.
But now lets say I applied that to everything.
My sister has been distant lately.
Wow, my elbows reallyareugly!
You are doing that with your own feelings about your sexual desirability.
First and foremost, erectile dysfunction is common.
Your husband should see a doctor to confirm everythings OK. No one has ever been diagnosed with ED because their wife isnt hot.
In fact, you have no evidence that he wants to cheatat all.
Those are ideas you completely made up and then got mad at him for.
So its on you to break the cycle.
for have a good, kind marriage, you have to stop.
Men are not sex machines that simply turn on when they see a boobie.
Not only is that heteronormative and cisnormative as hell, its wrong.
Many, many men of all ages are not easily aroused.
Many, many men of all ages need foreplay to get turned on.
And many, many, people with dicks have trouble getting hardeven if they are aroused.
Now, maybe your husband used to be a little horndog and youre wondering where that went.
Bodies, desires, fantasies, abilities they all change throughout our lives.
Its very common for arousal to wane (or wax!)
at any age, for many reasons.
Your feelings around it arent minor, and thats fair and fine.
But this is a treatable health problem, not a failing on either of your parts.
The treatments for ED are pretty safe and effective, which is great news!
Your husbands doctor may have suggestions for other treatment options, too.
like read that again.
it’s possible for you to use dildos, vibrators, mouths, fingers, and more.
Both partners dont always need to come.
Its OK for sex to just feel really nice for both people.
you’re able to shower together, you’re able to cuddle naked.
you’re free to do hot things that arent just putting a hard penis in a wet vagina.
You say youve both been feeling inadequate?
Ask for comfort from one another.
Think of activities that make you feel sexy or desired that arent about his dick.
Dicks are a body part, plain and simple.
Sometimes body parts dont work the way we want them to.
Yes, this affects what you do in the bedroom.
But if your partner needed a knee replacement, that wouldalsoaffect what you do in the bedroom.
You wouldnt be convinced that its about you.
You might be sad that sex has changed and youre welcome to feel that way now.
ED is frustrating for both partners!
You say you have a marriage that youve fought hard for and put work into, which is exquisite.
There is more work to do and more fighting to do.
And its not with each other!
This situation is absolutelynota you-versus-him problem.
Or a him-versus-his-penis problem.
Its a you-and-him-versus-a-change-in-your-sex-life problem.
You are on the same side here, and you must start acting like it.
Its A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday.
