It’s A Pleasure
A post-relationship forced friendship cant change the fact that you wanted different things.
Q:I broke up with my boyfriend of three years almost three months ago.
It wasthe first relationshipfor both of us.
He was my best friend, and I thought we were happy.
I saw us together long term.
But he couldn’t get over his FOMO with regard to dating only one person.
We haven’t spoken since that conversation.
I’m wondering if I can and should ever be friends with him again.
Its not like being someones friend is equal to a dead dog.
I firmly believe people can have sex with friends and keep on being friends.
That said, this person isnotyour friend.
This person is your ex whom you arent over.
Which is incredibly understandable, especially for your first major relationship.
I absolutely and without qualification believe you miss him and the intimacy you shared.
Its not like I think you have bad intentions in wanting to be his friend.
And I think that thatloss and lonelinessis where this urge to be his friend mostly stems from.
Thats frustrating as hell, and Im sorry.
The answer is not to further complicate matters and batter your heart by hanging around someone you resent.
And I really do think you resent him.
I think that might actually be the second major reason why youre wanting to be his friend.
(Hear me out!)
I think youre mad at him for a whole host of things more on that soon!
I think some part of you wants to prove to him that youre worth it.
His love, his attention, his time, his care.
Despite the fact that you broke up with him, I think you feel rejected by him.
you’re able to and should work on that feeling, that grief.
I want to tell you: Youre worth so much.
But that worth is independent of him.
It doesnt feel like it now, but he is not the decider of worth.
He doesnt even know I exist as a person and Im worth something!
But I also want to address the charges youve leveled at him in your letter and dismantle a couple.
Im not trying to take sides in this, condescend, or make it seem like I know everything.
Im just going off your letter.
And I think that comes from both of you.
Thats not damning or anything!
All of us are unhealthy or unfair in relationships from time to time, especially in our first relationships.
Below is what stood out to me.
Meditate on it if you want to, ignore me if youd rather.
(I still dont recommend friendship with this guy; cordiality when necessary is best, IMO.)
First, you say that you thought you two were happy.
If you thought you were happy, then you were happy!
Just because the relationship is over and ended poorly in your experience doesnt mean the relationship wasnt good.
Those three years werent a waste, or at least you do not have to view them that way.
You also mention that you dont believe him and think he doesnt know what he wants.
He is being very, very clear about what he wants.
Im sorry that its not a monogamous marriage with you.
Just because he wants something different than you want doesnotmean that hes being unclear.
His actions and words on multiple occasions have made itclear.
Thats not a healthy relationship pattern.
Should he have broken up with you once he realized that?
I know that never speaking to him again feels like walking barefoot on glass right now.
(Talk about those things early-ish on!
Build your life up so fully.
This will take a lot of time and effort on your part.
It will come in fits and starts.
Youll probably have to wade through a lot of grief in the meantime.
Take as many lessons as you’re able to from this relationship.
Think hard about the roles you played and what you could do differently.
Let go of as much anger as you could.
One day it wont feel like death to not talk to him.
One day youll think back on the relationship (if not its end) with fondness.
And a post-relationship forced friendship cant change that.
You will get over this.
That only happens in Nicholas Sparks' books and the first 20 minutes of a Pixar film.
You will move on and be happy again and even be in love again.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
