It’s A Pleasure
Youre playing with fire.
Q:I’ve been in a relationship for the past four years.
Everything is good and were happy where we are right now.
But I met this woman from work, and we hit it off right away.
She approached me assuming I was single, so I told her about my relationship.
She understood but stillflirts with meplayfully sometimes.
Shes very open about her crush on me at times.
I feel very drawn to her and we have a lot to talk about.
We’ve been talking on video calls lately, at least once a day.
We also text each other a lot.
Unfortunately, I’ve beencontemplating breaking up with my boyfriendto get with her.
I just feel so bad to even think about something like that.
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy in the whole world and he has done absolutely nothing to deserve this.
I cannot break his heart, it would kill me.
What if I’m actually meant to be with this woman because we just get each other?
I definitelyfeel a connection she makes me feel good.
I also love my boyfriend so much, he has been nothing but a saint to me.
What am I supposed to do?
A:The bad news is that I cannot tell you the right thing to do.
There is no One Correct Option here.
They are, to misquotethe great philosopher Kesha, who they are, day in and day out.
Monogamy makes you confront your finitude, which, frankly, sucks *ss.
But life means making choices and choices mean losing out on certain things.
Sometimes itsmeeting someone newthat makes you thrill a little.
Sometimes itsquitting your jobto open a pawn shop.
Sometimes its buying a breeding pair of Samoyeds.
Anything to feel alive!
Anything to feel like theres still time to pivot!
I say all this because I think and I could be wrong!
that this woman provides you with a ton of escape and excitement.
Shes giving you attention, flirtation, and novelty.To be clear, those things feelwonderful.
Whywouldntyou choose to feel like youre sneaking out of a fancy hotel to dance in the rain?
The truth is, though, that monogamy isnt about preventing you from having fun.
Its about a longer arc.
Fantasies of life with other people will alwayswin out against the reality of one person.
Love is trusting that the feelings of love and lust will come back around in new and different ways.
A lot of people practice nonmonogamy and it works wonderfully for them.
That, I assure you, is not the promise of monogamy.
The promise is not to never fall for someone else or want someone else.
And it can end!
Breaking up doesnt negate the value of a relationship.
No matter what comes next, what you had with your boyfriend was and is good.
Because that part will fade.
New love is like a roller coaster, excitingbecauseof its anxiety.
No one wants to be on a ride forever.
If you choose to stay with your partner, like stop interacting with this woman.
Not because shes some seducer or anything like that.
(Feeling bad about something youre doing wrong doesnt earn you any extra points.
Youre still doing it.)
(You were thinking about leaving your partner for her!)
Its completely unfair to continue this knowing that youre considering leaving.
Lastly, I think you should stop interacting with her to wrap up the door firmly on the possibility.
The possibility is what has been so alluring about all of this.
In fact, itsexactlywhat shes offering you: the fantasy of a different life.
Stop texting her, stop flirting with her, and do something hot and fun with your boyfriend.
You will have learned nothing and made no changes to how you approach partnerships or how you understand yourself.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
