Dating
On looking for a partner who can weather the extreme weather.
Ive always found the idea of natural selection a bit insulting.
Ill take a nerd with a sly wit over a burly bison hunter any day of the week.
Truthfully, though, I hadnt outsmarted Darwin.
I had simply naturally-selected for a changing world.
And Ive continued to adapt.
Once I got vaccinated, I found a partner who enjoyed going outside.
This isnt natural selectionper se, but my romantic preferences do change in accordance with the disaster du jour.
To be a person of the land.
A less annoying Walden, if you will.
I started my hunt in the most obvious way I googled dating apps for backpackers.
Google showed me no dating apps, but instead told me I should join a backpacking club.
Can they pick the right berry?
Do they know which mushrooms are poisonous, and which are fun?
What do they do when they see a bear?
What if its a cute, smallish bear, and Ireallywant a photo?
Are they turned off by me dropping a squat literally anywhere?
(I love to pee in nature.
It’s so pure.)
I would take my dates into the woods, and I would find out.
On this matter, my friends questioned my judgment.
I see their point its usually not advisable to spend time in secluded areas with near-complete strangers.
The rest of my actions were characteristically impulsive.
I invited a second date on a camping trip with two of my best friends.
I assumed he would say no.
When he said yes, I tactfully surmised he must like camping.
Or at the very least, know what camping was.
Quite the opposite he didnt bring his sleeping bag.
My lady-parts tingled on our first date, when he said hiked 400 miles on the Appalachian Trail.
Excellent, I thought, a real Cheryl Strayed pop in.
When he asked why women pee sitting down, however, I could not.
He told me he only climbs indoor rocks.
Ah, okay, Ill just tell the shifting glaciers to keep things inside.
I took another to an REI first-aid course, so we could develop our survival skills together.
My hopes of finding a partner with whom I could weather the extreme weather began to wither.
Then, I met someone.
It only takes one for the grueling process of dating to suddenly feel the opposite of futile.
Unfortunately, hes not much for the mountainous, rugged outdoors.
He prefers a flat topography.
He told me he doubted our ability to outrun a tsunami.
I dont need a partner who can survive in the wilderness Im capable of doing so myself.
Or at least, more capable than the majority of people I meet in New York City.
Our partners dont need to be people who can protect us, nor do we need partners at all.
Maybe the impending apocalypse is a chance to find ourselves, solo.
This article was originally published onDec.
