Does a seven-figure paycheck make being demeaned on a daily basis worth it?
Thats what Jamie Fiore Higgins wondered over the two decades she worked at Goldman Sachs.
She was 40 years years old, making $875,000.
I did not want to write this as Oh, Jamie is victim, she tells Bustle.
The bigger story was about how this job changed me.
Below, Higgins talks about her affair, cultish behaviors, and whether shes personally heard from Goldman.
What made you want to write this book?
Theres a huge obsession about what you do for work.
For the first few months after [I left Goldman Sachs], I was really depressed.
I didnt know who I was, what I was meant to do.
My job anchored me to this world.
I threw myself into volunteering at my kids schools, which helped.
Then #MeToo happened, and that changed everything.
As I was consuming#MeToo stories, I saw my own experiences reflected.
I started writing this book to help make sense of my experience.
Why was I there for so long?
I sit with a lot of regret for what Ive done.
Writing this book is a way to make amends.
My whole childhood was overshadowed by medical issues.
I had very severe scoliosis.
For years, I was in clinical trials and wearing back braces.
When I recovered, I wanted to be the perfect kid.
Was there anything that a woman could have done to get ahead and be respected?
I do think I was recognized for my work ethic.
I was intelligent, I was good with numbers, and I was recognized for that.
I was considered one to watch, an up-and-comer.
Youre overpaid, and I could replace you at any second.
Do you consider Goldman a cult?
My joke is that Goldman put the cult in culture.
There were so many tenets that were repeated: Youre lucky to have Goldman.
People would kill for these jobs.
We were kind of indoctrinated.
And eventually, you became the indoctrinator.
At the time, I felt I was doing it for her own good.
I had heard what people had said about her nail polish behind closed doors.
It was a high: I was the one people were stopping to listen to, finally.
I reveled in it.
Even when you hated going to work, you kept at it because of the promise ofyour annual bonus.
What was it like to hold a check that started at $80,000 and went exponentially up from there?
Did it cancel out the bad parts of the job?
Yeah, and my family spurred me on too.
My brother would say, Jamie, its work.
Theyre not beating you.
Its a lot of money.
The reasoning was its not that bad.
Once you get that bonus, you forget about everything that bothered you.
For me, it was never about living large.
When I made [managing director], I treated myself to a $100 coat from T.J. Maxx.
It was about sending them to college.
That addiction to prestige seems endemic.
The addiction to prestige is everywhere.
Its in the perfectly curated, filtered lives on social media.
I had this crazy experience where I looked so great on paper, but I absolutely disintegrated inside.
Can women compete in a boys club?
I dont see how it was possible in my world at Goldman.
I hope these big, powerful organizations can make changes.
Its great that yourehiring 50% women, but what can you do to retain them?
In my heart of hearts, I dont think anything has changed materially.
If youre passionate about finance, there are a lot of other places to do finance.
Have you heard from Goldman about this book?
Thank you for saying that.
Im sure its going to be shocking for families that know my husband and I personally.
But it shows that life is real, and its messy and its dirty.
Lets talk about that affair: Did you consider not writing about it?
No, this book couldnt be one-sided.
I did not want to write this as Oh, Jamie is victim.
I changed as a person.
My infidelity was an escape, just like Xanax was an escape.
It was me being caught in a difficult environment and grasping for anything to give me relief.
Now that youve told your story, whats next?
I want to do anything I can to support the message of this book.
Im also coaching right now I got trained to be a life coach.
I get what its like to be in the thick of careers, to be managing marriages and children.
You get on that hamster wheel of your career, and time just flies.
Thats how I got into trouble.
I lived and died by what Goldman thought of me from the ages of 21 to 40.
It feels really good to be out of that place.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
This article was originally published onAug.
